Nov 192015

This morning, my ten-thirty AM consultation was with an economist from the USDA. We spent about an hour and ten minutes discussing the ramifications of the Renewable Fuel Standard and its impacts on the corn market. Manufacturing fuel ethanol from corn was a stupid idea when it got started during the Carter administration, of course, and it’s a still a stupid idea today, but stupidity never kept the US government from doing anything the farm lobby and agribusiness happen to want. There was still plenty of analysis remaining, but my guest cut things off twenty minutes early. “Thanks, Tom,” she said with a smile as a gentleman whom I had never met opened the door to the reception area and […]

Nov 092015

At the request of my dear sister Rose’s parish priest, I accepted a telephone consultation appointment with Sister Moecha Meretrix, the principal of the Catholic school to whom Rose sends her vast brood of Catholic children, Mother Superior of a local Dominican convent, and, as it happens, a member of the Ecumenical Congress of the United States of America Board of Directors. I was very busy during the week, so I arranged for her to call me at my home in Great Falls, Virginia on Saturday afternoon. Tom: Hello, Mother Superior Meretrix. MS: Uh… hello, is this Tom Collins? Tom: It is indeed, Mother Superior. MS: Um… how did you… Tom: I have Caller ID, Mother Superior. MS: Oh. I […]

Nov 012015

“Ahmed” has been annoying Gretchen with requests for an appointment since Monday, but she’s been putting him off, of course. “There’s no way,” she emphatically told me, “that running the air purification system overnight will get rid of the stench. He’s got to be the last consultation on a Friday or working Saturday, as usual, or find yourself somebody else to come in and take care of receptions the next morning. You remember what happened the last time we let him come in on a weekday that wasn’t followed by a long holiday weekend or at least a Sunday, don’t you?” Indeed I do. A typical American would think a ripe durian fruit smells like, well, the most charitable description […]

Oct 212015

First thing this morning, I was visited by Mohammed Lumumba al-Kessommak, a strapping young black Muslim socialist who serves as a public policy adviser to the Association of American Liberal Democratic Mayors. He took the chair placed immediately in front of my desk with an air of grim determination and self-righteous umbrage. “Mr. Collins,” he began, “yesterday, the United States Senate voted on a bill of such unspeakable, callous barbarity that it almost beyond belief.” “Well,” I opined, “considering the way they’ve been behaving lately, that could be any number of things. But, given your employer, I assume you are referring to S2146, the Stop Sanctuary Policies and Protect Americans Act.” “Correct!” he affirmed, his eyes blazing. “As if persecuting […]

Oct 122015

As frequent readers of this Web log are no doubt aware, my full name is Tom Collins Martini. I have mentioned before that my grandfather grew up in New York’s Little Italy and subsequently abandoned it, anglicizing his last name to Martin, moving to a white picket fence suburb and forbidding his wife to speak Italian, lest the neighbors overhear and suspect. And my own dad, of course, as I have also related, grew up thinking he was of Northern European extraction, having no idea his ancestors hailed from the Bay of Naples, and upon learning the truth changed his name to the original, unmistakably Italian Martini, moved back to Little Italy and resigned his employment as an engineer with […]