Shortly after lunch yesterday, Gretchen began to receive frantic calls from the Associated American Federation of Educators, a well-known and powerful national lobby of K through 12 teachers here in Washington DC, urgently requesting a consultation as soon as possible. As it happened, the Turkish Foreign Under Secretary to the United States had to cancel – as a result of being beaned with an iron skillet during an argument with his Welsh wife about who committed the first genocide, the British or the Turks. The Turks, of course, as Kanye West and the Kardashians, as well as a somewhat lesser celebrity who goes by the name of Pope Francis are making sure everyone knows, killed a lot of Armenians a […]


Today, I received a visit from Dr. Vilaremetaftia Kolodaktilo. As regular readers of this Web log will recall, Dr. Kolodaktilo was once the Principal Secondary Assistant Mattachine Attaché for High Culture at the Greek Embassy here in Washington. Those readers may also recall that was several years ago, and under a different Greek government. Like all successful diplomats, however, Dr. Kolodaktilo is a consummate survivor, and today he has assumed a new position and, I might add, a new role with the recently incumbent Greek regime. His current title, still at the Greek Embassy here in Washington, is Second Primary Under Assistant Economic Advisor to the Prime Minister, USA Station. This allowed him to remain inside the Beltway, a place […]


My four o’clock consultation today was with the Right Reverend Dr. Hezekiah Torquemada Hicks, D.D., Vice President for Public Relations at the Interstate Christian Commerce Committee here in Washington DC. “Greetings, sinner!,” he bellowed as he strode into my office, “Proclaim Jesus Christ as your Savior and repent! He will forgive you, and come Resurrection Day, you shall have eternal life in Heaven with the Lord!” “Who, me?” I replied as he made himself comfortable on the couch in front of the picture window overlooking the White House. “Yes, you!” Dr. Hicks declared. “You, Tom Collins Martini, the smartest man inside the Beltway!” “Which is a lot,” I asserted, “like being the tallest building in Baltimore.” “Baltimore?” Dr. Hicks thundered. […]


Yesterday afternoon, around two o’clock, shortly after the departure of a distraught and pessimistic German banker and moments before the arrival of a deliriously optimistic Greek economist, Gretchen poked her head in between the heavy oak doors that separate my office from the reception area. “Mr. Collins,” she announced with an uncertain smile, “your nephew Jason called. He sounded a little upset. He said he needs to talk to you.” “Can’t he talk to his parents?” I asked rhetorically with an avuncular groan. “He said he already has,” Gretchen replied, “He claims they’re all out of advice and suggested he call you.” “All right,” I sighed, “See if you can convince the Somalian plenipotentiary for human rights that I’m running […]


Around ten o’clock this morning, Phineas “Trey” Forrest Beauregard Wanker III, senior staffer to junior Senator Thomas Bryant “Tom” Cotton of Arkansas, paid me a visit. His boss, Senator Cotton, has been here in Washington DC for about two years, and has served in the United States Senate, as the incumbent Secretary of State recently noted, for about two months. With that said, Trey acted as if he had been here about two days. His appointment was for nine, and I was busy with my genuine consultation for ten, a pro bono session with an NGO representative seeking advice on the solutions to several intractable logistics problems which had arisen consequent to the impacts of Tropical Cyclone Pam upon the […]

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