Yesterday morning at nine, I was visited by Harold Scheisskopf, Political Strategy Coordinator with the National Republican Congressional Committee. He projected his usual veneer of smug, supercilious Skull and Bones pretension, but beneath it, I readily detected a current of distinct unease. “Nice [expletive]-kicking we gave the Democrats, huh?” Scheisskopf opened as he assumed the seat directly to the right of my desk and leaned in. “By now, I bet your left-wing buddies have been crying in their beer for three solid weeks.” “Not only that,” I chuckled, “they have been expecting me to buy the next round after they are done.” “Typical cheapskate liberals,” he snorted. “Get any good dirt on them while they [expletive] and moaned about us [...]


The calls started late on Tuesday, November 4. I received five of them before midnight. They have continued unabated since. It’s an assured ritual that occurs like clockwork every two years – new members of Congress calling me for the sort of advice and information not found in the traditional freshman briefings offered on Capitol Hill. And again, as I have every two years for quite some time now, I cry “enough!” Stop calling my home! Stop trying to shoehorn yourselves or your top banana into the appointment schedule at my office! You all ask the same questions, anyway, so here’s my biannual Advice to Congressional Newbies post. What you want to know about those “confidential issues,” the answers to [...]


My imported sports car has hands-free cell phone service, but just to be safe, I always pull off and park at the first opportunity after taking a call. And that’s exactly what I did, driving along the George Washington Memorial Parkway to my home in Great Falls, Virginia on Friday night after work. Caller ID was blocked, so I had no idea who it was as I drove into the scenic overlook at the top of the hill after the turnoff to Spout Run. Not that I ever let something like that keep me from picking up on a phone call. Tom: Hello, who’s this? Voice: Tom Collins? Tom: This is he. Voice: I need some advice about a problem [...]


Deer mating season has begun here in Washington – I almost hit one while driving down the George Washington Parkway to the office yesterday just after dawn. The frost’s not quite on the pumpkin here yet, but unquestionably, if you’re a randy young buck, this is fine weather to chase nookie through the spectacular fall colored woods. Driven to madness by gushing hormones, the poor dumb creatures are heedless to danger – not unlike human teenagers, actually. This time of year, they bound across busy highways and suburban streets, lost in the heat of the chase – or flight, as their gender dictates, and, of course, routinely fail to look both ways before doing so. Consequently, their corpses are a [...]


My very last consultation last Friday was with Rabbi Mordechi Dovid Slivovitz of Silver Spring, Maryland, recently elected President of the Modern Orthodox Rabbinical Organization National and International Council. Frankly, I’ve never seen him so upset. “Oy vey ist mir,” he wailed as he plunked his ample, ovoid frame down on the couch with an air of complete anxiety and consternation, “the worst crisis since the Doheny glatt kosher scandal has erupted, right here in Washington DC – and in Georgetown, no less!” “You are referring,” I presumed, “to the arrest of Rabbi Barry Freundel, of Congregation Kesher Israel, the most prestigious upscale Orthodox Jewish synagogue in the entire National Capital area?” “What else?” Slivovitz shrugged. “The entire Jewish community [...]

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