May 252015
 

Saturday evening, after dinner at Del Campo in Chinatown (which paradoxically features South American cuisine, by the way), Cerise, having been given two free tickets by a friend serendipitously connected with the show, and having subsequently promised to go as a personal favor to that individual, went with me to see The Orginalist at Arena Stage. It’s a play about Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. Yes, international readers of this Web Log, whom the Googlestats tell me are legion, strange as it may seem, here in the USA our playwrights actually devote their creative energies to works concerning judges, in this case one who parses the prose of our Constitution using an eighteenth-century dictionary in order to ensure he correctly […]

May 182015
 

As I have mentioned before on this Web Log, my clients need not identify themselves if they do not wish to. The only exception is if they want to obtain an initial consultation without charge, and I hardly ever deviate from that rule. That issue proved moot this morning, when “Mr. Xavier,” as called himself, presented Gretchen with manila envelope stuffed with Benjamins sufficient for an appointment and never even mentioned getting anything for free. “Mr. Collins,” he explained as he solidly placed himself in the chair directly in front of my desk, “I suppose you realize that ‘Xavier’ isn’t my real name.” “Of course not, Mr. X,” I jovially replied. “Anybody but a known terrorists who has enough cash […]

May 092015
 

Usually, Austin Houston Crockett Bowie Bonham III stops by for a consultation whenever he’s here in Washington DC, but Friday afternoon, I got a telephone call from him instead. Gretchen’s voice had a distinct air of relief in it as she announced Austin’s call over the intercom, since he groped her pretty heavily during his last live appearance in her reception area outside my office. As it happened, I had a few minutes available to speak with him despite the fact that he didn’t have a formal appointment. Tom: Austin? Austin: Hi, Tom! Tom: This is quite a surprise. You don’t call me all that often. Austin: True, good buddy, but I can’t make it up to the ol’ Belly […]

Apr 192015
 

Shortly after lunch yesterday, Gretchen began to receive frantic calls from the Associated American Federation of Educators, a well-known and powerful national lobby of K through 12 teachers here in Washington DC, urgently requesting a consultation as soon as possible. As it happened, the Turkish Foreign Under Secretary to the United States had to cancel – as a result of being beaned with an iron skillet during an argument with his Welsh wife about who committed the first genocide, the British or the Turks. The Turks, of course, as Kanye West and the Kardashians, as well as a somewhat lesser celebrity who goes by the name of Pope Francis are making sure everyone knows, killed a lot of Armenians a […]

Apr 012015
 

My four o’clock consultation today was with the Right Reverend Dr. Hezekiah Torquemada Hicks, D.D., Vice President for Public Relations at the Interstate Christian Commerce Committee here in Washington DC. “Greetings, sinner!,” he bellowed as he strode into my office, “Proclaim Jesus Christ as your Savior and repent! He will forgive you, and come Resurrection Day, you shall have eternal life in Heaven with the Lord!” “Who, me?” I replied as he made himself comfortable on the couch in front of the picture window overlooking the White House. “Yes, you!” Dr. Hicks declared. “You, Tom Collins Martini, the smartest man inside the Beltway!” “Which is a lot,” I asserted, “like being the tallest building in Baltimore.” “Baltimore?” Dr. Hicks thundered. […]