Yesterday afternoon, around two o’clock, shortly after the departure of a distraught and pessimistic German banker and moments before the arrival of a deliriously optimistic Greek economist, Gretchen poked her head in between the heavy oak doors that separate my office from the reception area. “Mr. Collins,” she announced with an uncertain smile, “your nephew Jason called. He sounded a little upset. He said he needs to talk to you.” “Can’t he talk to his parents?” I asked rhetorically with an avuncular groan. “He said he already has,” Gretchen replied, “He claims they’re all out of advice and suggested he call you.” “All right,” I sighed, “See if you can convince the Somalian plenipotentiary for human rights that I’m running […]


Around ten o’clock this morning, Phineas “Trey” Forrest Beauregard Wanker III, senior staffer to junior Senator Thomas Bryant “Tom” Cotton of Arkansas, paid me a visit. His boss, Senator Cotton, has been here in Washington DC for about two years, and has served in the United States Senate, as the incumbent Secretary of State recently noted, for about two months. With that said, Trey acted as if he had been here about two days. His appointment was for nine, and I was busy with my genuine consultation for ten, a pro bono session with an NGO representative seeking advice on the solutions to several intractable logistics problems which had arisen consequent to the impacts of Tropical Cyclone Pam upon the […]


This morning, just as I concluded a consultation about Boko Haram’s latest overtures to ISIL with a distraught Nigerian diplomat, Gretchen buzzed me on the intercom. “Mr. Collins,” she told me, “there’s this old Southern lady on Line Two. She sounds exactly like Woody Allen imitating Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire.” “Did this person give a name?” I asked. “Yes,” Gretchen answered, “she says she’s named Linsey or Linseed or something like that.” “And this person wants to speak with me?” I inquired. “Uh-huh,” Gretchen confirmed, “she seems pretty adamant about it.” “And this person,” I sought to confirm, “is haughty, arch and condescending but nevertheless obviously a pathetic bigot and a total ignoramus?” “Right,” Gretchen huffed, “she […]


Calls from politicians who want to be President of the United States aren’t that unusual, but one thing I’ve noticed over the course of the last several elections is that as time goes on, I get them earlier and earlier. I mean, really, November 8, 2016 is 616 days away, and already here’s my first call – from Jeb Bush. And don’t tell me he doesn’t want to be President, because as of today, I know better. Actually, the man has essentially concluded the Presidency is his hereditary right, more or less the same way Hillary Clinton reckons that, having been married to Bill Clinton, had his child, put up with his philandering and lived with him for eight years […]


Today, I conducted a telephone consultation with Dr. Wei-Hock “Willie” Soon, part-time employee of the Harvard – Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics and co-author of The Maunder Minimum and the Variable Sun – Earth Connection; Proxy Climatic and Environmental Changes of the Past 1000 Years; Modeling Climatic Effects of Anthropogenic Carbon Dioxide Emissions: Unknowns and Uncertainties; Estimation and Representation of Long-term ( > 40 year ) Trends of Northern-Hemisphere-gridded Surface Temperature: a Note of Caution; and, Variation in Surface Air Temperature of China During the 20th Century; as well as sole author of Non-equilibrium Kinetics in High Temperature Gases; Variable Solar Irradiance as a Plausible Agent for Multidecadal Variations in the Arctic-wide Surface Air Temperature Record of the Past 130 years; […]

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