Aug 272015

Saturday afternoon about three o’clock, I was alone at home in Great Falls, reclined on the couch with my cat Twinkle nestled in my lap, enjoying the latest edition of The Atlantic Monthly. (Yes, Virginia, there are still people who subscribe to literary magazines.) My landline rang, and Caller ID indicated it was Telhas’teeze al Ayrehfeek “Freddy” bin Sharmouta, Special Assistant Policy Liaison for International Issues at the Lebanese Embassy here in Washington DC. He’s not all that regular a client – at least not lately, since Lebanon has had some problems paying its bills and therefore has had to cut back on some luxuries, and even expensive necessities, such as my advice. Nevertheless, it’s not like Lebanon owes me […]

Aug 162015

Friday morning at nine, I was visited by Dr. Lura Tradkrammer, Division Director, Office of Water, US Environmental Protection Agency. My clients don’t come more agitated and anxious than she was. I could feel the tension and apprehension exuding from her as she forthrightly positioned herself in the chair directly in front of my desk. “Mr. Collins,” she timorously declared, “I’ve heard a lot about you, and frankly I was – and remain – highly skeptical of your alleged talents.” “So why are you here?” I asked. “Because the Administrator ordered that the Deputy Administrator recommend that the Assistant Administrator for Water Quality instruct the Deputy Assistant Administrator of my Division to require that I see you.” “Okay,” I observed, […]

Aug 042015

Cerise and I were enjoying breakfast in bed Sunday morning when the caller ID displayed a familiar number which, nevertheless, had not appeared there for quite a while – it was the mobile phone number of my dear brother-in-law, Hank. As regular readers of this Web log know, Hank ran off to West Virginia with his brother Arthur’s wife, Shannon, there to prepare along with their fellow like-minded conservative survivalists for the advent of the Apocalypse and Armageddon, events they are all certain President Obama, whom they are similarly convinced is the Antichrist, will bring about as part of his worldwide Satanic liberal conspiracy. This has left my dear sister Rose and Arthur to care for their two families’ huge […]

Jul 282015

Prior to taking in The Book of Mormon Sunday evening at the Kennedy Center, Cerise and I enjoyed an early dinner at the Willard Hotel, followed by cocktails at the Round Robin Bar. There we witnessed Bodine and Garcia, Senate staffers for Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and freshman senator Ted Cruz, respectively, engaged in a heated discussion over their drinks. “Three times!” Garcia bellowed, pounding his fist on the table for emphasis, “just like Peter denying Jesus! Three times your man McConnell denied there was a deal to attach funding for the Export-Import Bank to the Comprehensive Transportation and Consumer Protection Act of 2015 in exchange for their votes last May in favor of Trade Promotion Authority! Three times!” “That,” […]

Jul 192015

Friday was the regular Republican National Committee consultation appointment, and Dick Bilmoer, their premier political policy wonk extraordinaire, was in a state of high dungeon. “Damn it all, Collins!” he bellowed as he flung himself down on the couch in front of the picture window overlooking the White House, “there’s no underestimating the idiocy of the American voter!” “Excuse me,” I opened, “but hasn’t that been one of the basic tenets of Republican strategy for the last one hundred and twenty years?” “Yeah, sure,” he acknowledged, “but not like this! We’ve got fourteen perfectly viable, sensible, conservative, law-and-order, family-values, free-market economics Republican candidates out there, and the polls say likely primary and caucus voters won’t give them the [expletive] time […]