Aug 042015
 

Cerise and I were enjoying breakfast in bed Sunday morning when the caller ID displayed a familiar number which, nevertheless, had not appeared there for quite a while – it was the mobile phone number of my dear brother-in-law, Hank. As regular readers of this Web log know, Hank ran off to West Virginia with his brother Arthur’s wife, Shannon, there to prepare along with their fellow like-minded conservative survivalists for the advent of the Apocalypse and Armageddon, events they are all certain President Obama, whom they are similarly convinced is the Antichrist, will bring about as part of his worldwide Satanic liberal conspiracy. This has left my dear sister Rose and Arthur to care for their two families’ huge […]

Jun 032015
 

Early this afternoon, Merdoso Donnato Pompino, representing the Fédération Internationale de Football Association, paid me a visit for a consultation. Obviously still on Naples time, he arrived twenty minutes late, and obviously a completely self-absorbed, if obviously aging jock, he nevertheless spent another ten trying to get Gretchen’s telephone number. What the hell, as far as I’m concerned, that’s fine with me – it’s his money – or FIFA’s anyway. “Mr. Collins,” he opened as he sprawled on the couch in front of the picture window overlooking the White House, “you have heard of FIFA’s recent… ah… legal problems, I suppose?” “Who hasn’t?” I replied. “In the middle of last week, the Swiss police arrested six FIFA executives at the […]

Mar 112015
 

This morning, just as I concluded a consultation about Boko Haram’s latest overtures to ISIL with a distraught Nigerian diplomat, Gretchen buzzed me on the intercom. “Mr. Collins,” she told me, “there’s this old Southern lady on Line Two. She sounds exactly like Woody Allen imitating Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire.” “Did this person give a name?” I asked. “Yes,” Gretchen answered, “she says she’s named Linsey or Linseed or something like that.” “And this person wants to speak with me?” I inquired. “Uh-huh,” Gretchen confirmed, “she seems pretty adamant about it.” “And this person,” I sought to confirm, “is haughty, arch and condescending but nevertheless obviously a pathetic bigot and a total ignoramus?” “Right,” Gretchen huffed, “she […]

Jan 202015
 

It being the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, the work schedule for Gretchen and myself was somewhat lighter than a typical Monday. This was good, because not only did it mean there was time for me to meet with my brother-in-law, Hank Palikowski, and his sister-in-law, Shannon, it also meant there were fewer regular clients in the reception area for them to give the willies to. Dressed in their usual survivalist outfits, the pair of them regularly prompt the security desk in the lobby to call and alert Gretchen of their impending arrival and inquire if DC Police backup might be required. “We have to talk,” Shannon declared as they strode into my office. “Back there,” Hank whispered as […]

Dec 222014
 

Despite the impending holidays, I still manged to get overbooked this week, which lead to Gretchen and me having to work nine and one half hours on a Saturday. The increasing urgency of various matters around the planet have made it nearly impossible for me to work a decent five day week anymore, but in an economy where millions of overqualified professionals are still settling for jobs at WalMart, complaints would be unseemly, I know, and I certainly am not about to kvetch about the gold nuggets in my mill stream. Yesterday, for example, I made enough money that your typical PhD environmental scientist could pay the tuition covering vocational rehabilitation training as a Microsoft certified .NET developer with it. […]