Debbie Does the DNC – The Wasserman Effect

Friday night, Cerise and I had dinner at 1789, took in an Indian dance recital at the Kennedy Center and went clubbing in Georgetown, Adams Morgan and DuPont Circle. Arriving back at my place in Great Falls around dawn, we finally got to sleep about eight thirty. At three fifteen in the afternoon on Saturday, I got up to make us a late brunch. I had barely taken the fresh organic quail eggs, Black Label Papillon Roquefort and Beluga caviar out of the refrigerator, however, when my land line began to ring incessantly. Letting it go four times proved the caller wasn’t about to give up and also allowed me to brew a quad luwak espresso and drop in a shot of Grand Marnier. Having a seat at the table in the breakfast nook, I took the phone off the hook in the wall mounted kitchen extension and spoke.

Tom: Hello?
Voice: Is this Tom Collins?
Tom: It is, congresswoman Wasserman Shultz.
Voice: I am not Debbie Wasserman Shultz!
Tom: Gee whiz, really? You sure do sound like the Debbie Wasserman Shultz, who is U.S. Representative for Florida’s twenty-third congressional district, and Chair of the Democratic National Committee.
Voice: Well, I’m not, okay?
Tom: Very well then, to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking, then?
Voice: This is, um… her dear friend Naomi, who has known her since our childhood days in Long Island, New York.
Tom: Oh, well, that explains it, of course. Lots of Jewish women who where raised on Long Island during the seventies sound alike.
Naomi: What do you mean, we sound alike?


Tom: Say, “coffee factory.”
Naomi: Coffee factory.
Tom: Say, “Westwood Water Works.”
Naomi: Westwood Water Works.
Tom: Say, “The lost dog died from eating chocolate.”
Naomi: The lost dog died from eating chocolate.
Tom: That’s what I mean. So, how did you get this number, Naomi?
Naomi: Your… ah… what is she, your room mate, Veronica?
Tom: She lives here and pays me rent, yes.
Naomi: Who used to be your girlfriend in college?
Tom: At one of several universities I have attended, yes.
Naomi: And was married to a television producer who she divorced, but she forgot to insure the house in Malibu she got in the settlement and it burned down, so you let her move into your place here in Washington, right?
Tom: Correct. She gave you this number?
Naomi: Yeah.
Tom: And how do you know her?
Naomi: She’s… um… friends with several prominent Democratic members of Congress, so I’ve, uh, seen her around the DNC and, ah, places like that, you know, when I come by to visit my friend Debbie.
Tom: So you just drop by the Democratic National Committee and tell the receptionist, “Hi, I’m Naomi, Chairwoman Wasserman Shultz’ childhood friend, here to chat with her,” and they let you in?
Naomi: Why… uh… yeah, of course they do.
Tom: And they let you hang around and chew the fat with the folks there, too, and that’s how come you know several prominent Democratic members of Congress and my old college flame, Veronica?
Naomi: Yeah, that’s it.
Tom: Okay, let’s say I decide to believe that. How can I help you?
Naomi: Well, Veronica says you’re the smartest person in Washington.
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Naomi: Baltimore? Isn’t, like, that catty old witch Nancy Pelosi from Baltimore?
Tom: Originally, yes. But I wouldn’t hold that against the place. There are actually quite a few Jewish people who live in Baltimore, you know – the kosher food is right up there with New York; outstandingly high quality. And it’s very, very, liberal, which I’m sure your friend Debbie would like. The whole state of Maryland, except the extreme western part and the Eastern Shore – is extremely blue, in fact.
Naomi: I’ll uh… try to remember that, I guess. I’m not much for the red and blue state thing, you see. I’m calling you because I’m… uh… worried about my dear friend Debbie, and Veronica told me you will give advice out for free the first time.
Tom: As a business development program, yes, I offer initial consultations without charge to… prospective clients.
Naomi: Yeah, okay, well, as a… childhood friend of the DNC Chair, maybe I’m not exactly a prospective client, but if I like what you say, then I could always, you know, recommend you to Debbie.
Tom: I have absolutely no reason to doubt that, ma’am. So, Naomi, what worries you so much about your dear friend Debbie Wasserman Shultz?
Naomi: I… I think maybe she’s… misunderstood, I guess.
Tom: In what ways?
Naomi: Well, there’s all this malicious gossip going around Washington, saying bad things about her, such as she’s too ambitious.
Tom: I know. They say she hits up donors for her own PAC instead of Democratic Party PACs. Is that true?
Naomi: Absolutely not. It just looks that way sometimes.
Tom: They say her travel itinerary reflects her own priorities, not those of the DNC.
Naomi: She… uh, she says that’s all relative.
Tom: I also hear they say she makes her staff work on her own projects instead of DNC tasks.
Naomi: She, ah, told me that it’s not like they’re mowing her lawn or fetching her dry cleaning or anything. Those projects benefit the Democratic Party as much as they benefit her.
Tom: I understand. The truth is, everybody in official Washington is ambitious and everybody bends the rules to fit their own purposes. I’d say she should simply ignore those allegations, since anyone can see it’s obviously a case of the pot calling the kettle black.
Naomi: Excuse me, but are you sure that what you just said isn’t some kind of racial slur?
Tom: Because it has the words “calling” and “black” in it?
Naomi: Among other things, yes.
Tom: Excuse me, but are you sure that you are not, in fact, Representative Debbie Wasserman Shultz?
Naomi: What! Why yes, of course I am – uh, sure that’s not me… uh… her. I’m Debbie’s long-time friend, that’s who I am.
Tom: And both of you are politically correct to a degree that would embarrass the Cultural Studies faculty of the University of California at Berkeley?
Naomi: Yes, of course – lots of Jewish women who grew up on Long Island are that politically correct.
Tom: Interesting. You learn something new every day, they say. Okay, so what else?
Naomi: There’s a story that she went against the White House on Obama’s child deportation policy.
Tom: You mean when she said she agreed that unaccompanied Central American children who arrived at the US-Mexico border faced certain death if sent back to their home countries?
Naomi: Well they do, you know.
Tom: Whether they do or not, that’s not gossip. Your friend Debbie actually said that to a reporter.
Naomi: But Martin O’Malley agrees with… I mean, she told me Martin O’Malley thinks the same thing.
Tom: And what is he? He’s the governor of Maryland. We just got finished talking about Maryland – of course he agrees with her. The point is, Martin O’Malley isn’t in the White House – yet, anyway. Barack Obama is, and Barack Obama’s policy is to put those little brats on an airplane and get them back to their tumultuous anarchic little banana republics as quickly as possible before they catch a stray bullet from a drug gang gun fight while walking down the street somewhere like Washington, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York or Miami.
Naomi: But the drug gangs in Central America are ten times worse than the ones here in America!
Tom: Is that something your friend Debbie told you?
Naomi: Uh… yeah, that’s what she said. Or words to that effect, anyhow.
Tom: Okay, well, your friend is certainly entitled to her opinion and has a constitutionally protected right to express it. But why is she surprised that her expressing an opinion that criticizes his judgment would displease the President?
Naomi: I… I don’t guess she should be, I suppose.
Tom: Correct. What else?
Naomi: They’re saying she used “domestic violence language.”
Tom: When she said that Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin had given women there “the back of his hand,” I assume?
Naomi: It was a metaphor! How can they…
Tom: You have to realize, however, that it’s people like your friend Debbie who imposed this regime of extreme sensitivity to wording on politicians. Poor old Joe Biden refers to usurious money lenders as “Shylocks,” or says “Orient” instead of “Asia” and people like your friend Debbie howl like banshees.
Naomi: Now hold on there just a minute! “Howl like banshees” is an ethnic slur on the Irish!
Tom: You see, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. Your friend Debbie can’t complain about being subjected to the same absurd standards as she and her ultra-liberal, politically correct colleagues in politics and academia apply to everyone else – not without looking like a total hypocrite, anyway. When she talks about Republicans “grabbing us by the hair and pulling us back,” what does she expect? Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, you know.
Naomi: Hold on a second! “Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander” is an ethnic slur on… on… uh… on…
Tom: On whom? Avian-Americans, perhaps?
Naomi: Hey, you know, that’s funny… it’s not an ethnic slur on anybody, is it?
Tom: Not every idiomatic figure of speech is an ethnic slur, you know.
Naomi: Well, a lot of them are, and it’s important not to offend special interest groups.
Tom: My, now, that really does sound like something the Chair of the Democratic National Committee would say.
Naomi: Uh, sure… Debbie…. says that… all the time.
Tom: I bet she does. So what else?
Naomi: They’re saying she tried to get the DNC to pay for her wardrobe.
Tom: All of it?
Naomi: No, just the things she had to wear to the Democratic National Convention in 2012 and to Obama’s Inauguration in 2013. Oh, and to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, they’re saying that, too. The thing is, the Democratic leadership insisted on those gowns and outfits, and they were really expensive. But anyway, Debbie says it’s all lies anyway, and she never asked the DNC or anybody else to pay for them.
Tom: Does she still have any of the clothes?
Naomi: Um… some of them, yes, I think so.
Tom: Whatever she still has that she wore to the 2012 Democratic National Convention, or the 2013 Inauguration or White House Correspondents’ Dinner, she should donate it to charity.
Naomi: You’re kidding! Those designer ensembles cost a fortune!
Tom: And that’s precisely why she should give them to charity. There’s absolutely no proof that the DNC ever paid her a penny for those clothes, is there?
Naomi: No, of course not.
Tom: Then if she gives them to charity, it demonstrates that she’s willing to make a considerable sacrifice to prove those allegations are untrue. It will do wonders for her reputation.
Naomi: Her reputation, which, it looks like, every Democrat in Washington is doing their best to destroy – behind her back!
Tom: Well, you must admit, she went behind Hillary Clinton’s back in 2008 after Hillary made her co-chairman of the Clinton for President Campaign, and jumped ship to curry favor with Obama after it became obvious that he was going to win the nomination.
Naomi: That was different!
Tom: How?
Naomi: Um… because… ah… because Debbie went behind Hillary’s back out in the open and these people are going behind Debbie’s back in secret, that’s how!
Tom: And who, do you suppose, “these people” are?
Naomi: Hillary Clinton’s people, obviously!
Tom: Obviously. It’s political pay-back, pure and simple. And it’s common knowledge that Hillary is a ruthless harpy. Maybe your friend Debbie should be ruthless herself and start floating unsubstantiated rumors about Hillary.
Naomi: But Debbie doesn’t want Hillary to lose the 2016 presidential election – if she runs, that is. What Debbie wants is for Hillary’s people to stop spreading lies about her!
Tom: Proving she can do the same to Hillary will get Hillary’s camp to back down.
Naomi: Why?
Tom: Because Hillary knows 2016 is going to be her last hurrah. If she doesn’t win then, she can’t run for president anymore without becoming the Democratic Party’s latter-day Harold Stassen.
Naomi: Oh, I see.
Tom: And lots of Jewish women who were raised on Long Island in the 1970’s know who Harold Stassen was? I’m sure Debbie Wasserman Shultz would, naturally, but you?
Naomi: Um… uh… I studied political science, too, so that’s how I know who he was.
Tom: But you never went into politics? And you’re not interested in the “red and blue state thing?”
Naomi: Ah, no… I’m… a stay-at-home mom with three kids.
Tom: Three? Just like Debbie, except it’s Mr. Shultz who’s the stay-at-home dad.
Naomi: And she’s very grateful to him for that.
Tom: And where does she keep his testicles?
Naomi: In a crystal Neiman Marcus vase on the fireplace mantlepiece.
Tom: How very tasteful.
Naomi: Thank you… I mean… that’s exactly what I told her, too. So how come Obama won’t meet with her? That’s another thing I wanted… er… she wanted me to talk to you about.
Tom: Oh, that. Yes, well, I have heard some complaints about Debbie from the White House community, you know.
Naomi: You… you have? What do they say?
Tom: They say every time she meets with the President, no matter what he wants to discuss, all she does is talk about herself.
Naomi: She’s a Jewish woman! A Jewish woman who was raised on Long Island and lives in Florida! What do they expect?
Tom: Now, you see, that’s it right there. A shiksa, such as Nancy Pelosi, for instance, would, when conversing with the President of the United States, occasionally let him get a word in edgewise. And then there’s the other reason.
Naomi: What other reason?
Tom: The 2014 elections are less than eight weeks away, and thanks to copious blundering on the part of the Democrats, there’s a good chance the Republicans will win control of the Senate. If that happens, the Democrats are going to need a scapegoat.
Naomi: A scapegoat? You mean… Debbie?
Tom: Sure. She’s perfect for the role – outspoken, headstrong, loud, brash, opinionated, stubborn and so liberal she’s to the left of Mother Jones. And she’s Jewish, which is extremely appropriate – the concept of the scapegoat comes from their Law of Atonement, in the Book of Leviticus, chapter 16 verse 10.
Naomi: So how does my friend Debbie get out of that?
Tom: Find a better scapegoat.
Naomi: Who?
Tom: I hate to suggest it, because I sort of like the guy, but Joe Biden’s an obvious choice. Then there’s Bill de Blasio – it wouldn’t take much to set the dogs on him. Or she could go after Nancy Pelosi, of course. Bernie Sanders has been shooting his mouth off pretty frequently lately; he wouldn’t be a bad choice, either. And then there’s Bill Clinton, who elbowed his way into the 2014 proceedings and could easily be blamed for alienating those essential undecided voters in key swing states. And Obama himself, naturally. Have… your friend call my office for a consultation appointment and we can discuss the list of Democratic scapegoats for the 2014 debacle, as well as strategies for creating them, in detail.
Naomi: Will it cost… I mean, will my friend have to pay for that?
Tom: Of course.
Naomi: Um… okay, I’ll let her know. But your rates are… huge. I’m not sure she will be able to afford it.
Tom: Well, somebody’s going to get thrown under the bus, and it’s obvious the Democrats have picked your friend Debbie as their preferred choice. After that, her career won’t be worth squat. So maybe, in fact, she can’t afford not to book a consultation with me. After all, you know what they say.
Naomi: What’s that?
Tom: You get what you pay for.
Naomi: Hmmm. Maybe she could bill the DNC.
Tom: No problem there – frankly, as long as I get it, I don’t care where the money comes from, within the legal limitations of the United States Code, of course. All right, gotta run. Tell your friend to get back to me. Ciao.
Naomi: Huh? Oh, sure – thanks. Goodbye.