At ten o’clock Friday morning, I received an urgent call from Dr. Harah Ben-Zonah, First Secretary of the Israeli Kus Emmak Party.
Tom: Good afternoon, Dr. Ben-Zonah.
Ben-Zonah: And good morning to you, Mr. Collins. Please, call me Harah.
Tom: My pleasure. Call me Tom. How can I help you today?
Harah: As a major figure in the Kus Emmak Party, the Central Committee has appointed me to investigate the circumstances prevailing in the United States which have lead to the… unnatural relationship… between Benjamin Netanyahu and your House Speaker John Boehner.
Tom: Ah… I don’t think there’s anything… um… unnatural about their relationship, actually. A little bromance, maybe – some male bonding, snapping wet towels in the locker room, stuff like that, but nothing… unnatural.
Harah: You sure?
Tom: Well, it’s not like I’m there every minute the two of them are together, but yeah, I’d say I’m pretty sure about it.
Harah: Why are you so sure?
Tom: Because, gee whiz, if Benjamin Netanyahu and John Boehner were playing reach-around pocket pool, there’s no way they could possibly keep it a secret, not in Washington DC.
Harah: All right then, if it’s not that, what is it? How did Netanyahu get Boehner to invite him to deliver a speech to a joint session of your Congress two weeks before an Israeli national election?
Tom: That bothers you?
Harah: Of course it does! Israel’s Prime Minister is going to America to address Congress! And when that happens, every eyeball in Israel will be glued to a television, computer or mobile telephone screen, watching him – the leader of the Likud Party – address the legislature of the most powerful nation in the world! And your John Boehner will make sure Netanyahu gets interrupted twenty-five to thirty times with thunderous applause from the Republicans, not to mention between five and ten standing ovations! Boehner is going to make Netanyahu look like King Solomon addressing the Levites of the Holy Temple! How can any other Israeli political party possibly compete with that? The Twentieth Knesset is scheduled to be elected on March 17! What gives Boehner the idea he can meddle in other countries’ elections? Who does he think he is, the Director of the CIA?
Tom: Granted – the last thing we need is five-hundred and thirty-five Secretaries of State. Constitutionally, the President and the Executive Branch are responsible for US foreign policy and it’s not going to be a good thing for the United States to have two, three or five-hundred and thirty-five of those.
Harah: If you don’t mind me saying, it seems the single one you already have has caused you more than enough trouble.
Tom: Point taken. Since the founding of our nation, the tradition has been that partisanship stops at the border.
Harah: Yes, but now Boehner is taking America into some deep water. Suppose he gets his wish and Jeb Bush or Mitt Romney or that fat clown who’s governor of New Jersey…
Tom: Chris Christie.
Harah: Right – that’s him. Or Sarah Palin or Mike Huckabee or Rand Paul are President of the United States. And then during your mid-term elections, the Democrats gain control of your House of Representatives and somebody like Nancy Pelosi or Steny Hoyer decides to invite Xi Jinping or Vladimir Putin to address a joint session of Congress and speak against the President’s foreign policy? How would your Tea Party loyalists react to that?
Tom: Rather like scalded chickens, I would imagine.
Harah: Well, isn’t sauce for the goose also sauce for the gander, as you say? Isn’t turnabout fair play, and all fair in love, war and politics? This is a Pandora’s box that your Speaker Boehner has opened up and there’s no telling what will come out! Whatever short-term advantages he may imagine he is gaining, surely he is a pathetic fool not to realize the long-term implications and consequences of such a totally irresponsible action!
Tom: Alas, Speaker Boehner is not noted for his sophistication, intelligence, erudition or sense of history.
Harah: That’s glaringly obvious, given his recent behavior. So what is he noted for?
Tom: Not much. He’s Speaker of the House. To become Speaker of the House, you need to get elected over and over again from some Congressional district or another and then use the House seniority system to leverage deals for votes from your party cronies. Boehner’s the typical ruthless, scheming mental mediocrity the Founding Fathers designed the Constitution to produce for the office of Speaker.
Harah: The Founding Fathers – Washington, Franklin, Jefferson, Monroe, Madison, and that lot? You’re saying they intended for narrow-minded, short-sighted, petty, pompous, self-righteous bumpkins to preside over the people’s chamber of government?
Tom: Indubitably.
Harah: But why would they do that?
Tom: Because they wanted the House of Representatives to reflect the character of the populace, and during the eighteenth century when the Constitution was written, and the only members of the populace who could vote were white males who owned property, the typical voting member of that populace was a narrow-minded, short-sighted, petty, pompous, self-righteous bumpkin.
Harah: In that case, it appears that in John Boehner, the Founding Fathers have outdone themselves.
Tom: And possibly have undone the American Republic. Not that your Bibi Netanyahu isn’t a piece of work himself.
Harah: Tell me about it! He wants the United States to attack Iran, you know.
Tom: I expect him to speak of little else once he gains the bully pulpit on Capitol Hill.
Harah: You don’t sound worried about that, though.
Tom: I’m not.
Harah: Shouldn’t you be? Is there some reason why you aren’t?
Tom: You must realize, Harah, that while every eyeball in Israel will be focused on Netanyahu when he gives that speech, hardly anyone outside the Beltway will pay him a moment’s notice.
Harah: Really? Why not?
Tom: Because the vast majority of Americans who aren’t totally oblivious, completely ignorant, pathetically gullible morons are narrow-minded, short-sighted, petty, pompous, self-righteous bumpkins. Either way, US foreign policy is the last thing on what passes for their minds.
Harah: Then why is Boehner doing this?
Tom: For the same reason the rabbi’s dog lies in the synagogue’s driveway licking himself on Yom Kippur.
Harah: And… uh… what’s that?
Tom: Because he can.
Harah: That’s it? Because he can? Boehner’s playing fast and loose with the powder keg of the Middle East just because he can?
Tom: Essentially.
Harah: What… why… how… that’s insane. What makes Boehner behave like that?
Tom: He had a very unhappy childhood, mopping vomit up off the floor of his father’s gin mill. He was just an insignificant, inconsequential nobody with a stinking slop bucket. In fact, deep down, he is still just that – a miserable, hateful little boy with a belly fully of irrational anger who resents his domineering daddy and wants to prove to the world how important he really is.
Harah: Well, if it’s just to show how important he is, why doesn’t Boehner invite Isaac Herzog to address a joint session of Congress, too?
Tom: The Israeli opposition leader? No, I don’t think so. In the twisted mind of that miserable little boy deep inside him, denying Herzog a rebuttal to Netanyahu serves to underscore and validate Boehner’s importance and power.
Harah: Netanyahu is being a complete hypocrite about this, you know. When Clinton invited Shimon Peres to Washington in 1996 just a month before the Israeli elections, Bibi hit the ceiling! He wouldn’t shut up about how the United States was interfering with Israel’s internal affairs. But now that it’s him getting invited to Washington right before an Israeli election, suddenly it’s the best idea since shabbat goyim!
Tom: True; however, calling out Benjamin Netanyahu for being a hypocrite is like citing Attila the Hun for bad table manners.
Harah: Maybe so, but what should the Israeli political opposition do about this Netanyahu Washington speech business? That’s what I’d like to know!
Tom: Nothing.
Harah: Nothing? What do you mean, nothing?
Tom: Sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing at all.
Harah: And this is one of them?
Tom: It is.
Harah: What makes you so sure about that?
Tom: Let me ask you a question. In your highly knowledgable estimate, what percentage of the Israeli electorate is undecided about Benjamin Netanyahu?
Harah: Undecided? Oy vey, that’s a tough one, there. I don’t know, maybe one half of one percent?
Tom: That much?
Harah: Nah, now that you mention it, it’s probably more like one tenth of one percent, possibly less, even.
Tom: So despite the fact that every eyeball in Israel will be glued to the screen during Netanyahu’s speech, virtually every single person attached to those eyeballs will either be cheering and clapping along with Boehner’s droves of Republican puppets as they stand up and applaud, or they are going to be jumping up and down and yelling obscenities at their television sets or whatnot every time Netanyahu stops to take a breath. Face it, if there are more than ten people in the state of Israel who are going to listen to that speech with an open mind and use it as part of their basis for deciding which party they are going to vote for on March 17, then I’m Moses and you’re the Messiah.
Harah: Hmmm… I see what you mean.
Tom: Look, Harah, the Likud Party are all wound up and waiting for the opposition to moan and wail and gnash their teeth and rend their garments over this Boehner-and-Bibi love fest. I recommend you deny them the satisfaction. Just ignore the bastards – I guarantee, that will get them more hot, bothered and frustrated than anything else you could do.
Harah: You mean, drop the issue and go on to other things? Act like we suddenly stopped giving a damn about it?
Tom: Precisely. They’re just trying to get your goat. Don’t let them.
Harah: I’ve got to admit, it would be good for my blood pressure – and that of many of my colleagues in the opposition as well.
Tom: Also their stomach ulcers, fibromyalgia, herpes outbreaks and tension headaches. Let the Likud Party get that stuff instead.
Harah: Sounds like good politics to me. I’ll run it up the flagpole and see if anybody salutes. Thanks.
Tom: You’re welcome. Call back anytime.
Harah: I’ll keep that in mind. Have a nice day.
Tom: You too. Goodbye.