My ten o’clock consultation today was Dr. Batroun Ibn Himaar, an econometrician at the World Bank. For about an hour and ten minutes, things went pretty much as I expected while we discussed the probabilistic projections of international currency exchange rates based on a stochastic optimization model of petroleum prices. But at the conclusion of a particularly grueling Monte Carlo analysis which addressed all forty-six dimensions of the multivariate parametric partial differential equations involved, Dr. Ibn Himaar reared back and threw up his hands.
“Enough of this!” he proclaimed. “I can’t concentrate sufficiently in such a state of anxiety!”
“What are you anxious about?” I inquired.
“This President Obama of yours!” he declared. “The man’s an irresponsible trouble-maker!”
“What makes you say that?” I asked.
“At the National Prayer Breakfast last week,” he complained, “Obama brought up the Crusades!”
“I believe President Obama said,” I noted, “in part, at least…. ‘And lest we get on our high horse and think this’ – by which he meant, of course, the numerous atrocities committed by ISIS and others of similar convictions – ‘is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ.’ That’s a true observation, isn’t it?”
“You know, Tom,” Ibn Himaar indignantly huffed, “It’s extremely irritating when you show off that photographic memory of yours.”
“Sorry,” I apologized, “it wasn’t my intention to elevate your blood pressure any more than its current obviously excessive level. But nevertheless, that is what the President said.”
“Yes, as I would expect of you,” he nodded gravely, “those were his exact words. And every day since, nobody wants to talk to me about anything else!”
“Not me,” I pointed out.
“Oh, yes,” he sarcastically conceded, “you went on and on for over an hour about light crude, heavy crude, tar sands, oil shales, Federal Reserve bond prices, the London Interbank Offered Rate, central bank reserves in the EU, US, Japan, Russia and China; the prices of gold, silver, copper, titanium, tantalum, aluminum, manganese, cobalt, platinum, palladium, beryllium, lithium, uranium, low-sulfur coal, high-sulfur coal, maize, sugar cane and natural gas; and the effects of all of those on the relative values of Dollars, Pounds, Yen, Riyals, Rubles, Euros, Yuan, Rand, Bolivars, Reals, Nairas, Won, Rupees and Francs. But all the while, I could tell you were thinking about it!”
“Okay,” I admitted, “I was. So – what do you…”
“I’ll tell you what I’ve been telling everybody else!” he shouted. “This Obama of yours is a crazy man! Although,” he sheepishly confessed, “I know I ought to be saying something else – afterward, they look at me like I should be locked up in Guantanamo.”
“Well,” I acknowledged, “Obama certainly did upset quite a few folks with that remark. Jim Gilmore, a former Republican governor of Virginia, called what Obama said the most offensive thing he had ever heard a President say. Representative John Fleming of Louisiana accused Obama of defending ISIS and ‘vilifying Christianity.’ Dr. Ben Carson, a well-known conservative ideologue, said Obama’s statement ‘betrayed Christianity.’ Michele Malkin wrote that he used the Crusades to justify what ISIS does to its prisoners and hostages, while Rush Limbaugh said Obama was attempting to excuse Islamic extremists the world over. Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that the President’s speech ignored what Krauthammer called, ‘barbarism that we are seeing in the world, from Nigeria, to Paris, all the way to Pakistan, and even to the Philippines,’ caused by what he characterizes as ‘Islamic terrorists.’ Rick Santorum accused Obama of insinuating that modern Christians are too weak to stand up to the ‘Islamic scourge we see in the Middle East.’ Jonah Goldberg claimed Obama had insulted the Crusades by comparing them to Jihad. Bill Donohue, leader of the Catholic League, asserted that the President was being insulting and pernicious while ‘trying to deflect guilt from Muslim madmen.’ Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana assured Obama that ‘the Medieval Christian threat is under control,’ and challenged the President to ‘face the reality of the situation today.’ Senator Lindsey Graham criticized Obama for failing to admit the United States is engaged in a religious war. Peggy Noonan excoriated Obama for using ‘the moment to dilate on Christendom’s sins,’ while ‘Christians are being driven from the Mideast.’ Even the British had some thoughts on the issue. Timothy Stanley, of the London Telegraph, penned a piece which concludes Obama has proved that he is not a true Christian. And then there’s…”
“I know!” Ibn Himaar interrupted. “That list is very long and has many, many voices. But my problem with the issue is not the one that these other people of whom you speak have. Mine is, that as a Moslem, my Western friends and colleagues have been approaching me with a series of inscrutable questions to which they expect immediate answers that I cannot provide.”
“Such as what?” I wondered.
“They ask,” he responded, “for example, ‘Is it because Obama uses drones so much more than George W. Bush, that ISIS is burning captives alive in cages and crucifying children, and thus makes Obama use the Crusades as a way to assuage liberal guilt?’ Or they inquire, as another did, with questions like, ‘Do you suppose Obama is playing both ends against the middle by inciting people like John McCain and Noam Chomsky to denounce him?’ And yet another demanded of me, ‘Where in the Holy Koran does it say that condemning the violence of infidels is a sin?’ And just this morning, another demanded of me, ‘What makes Obama using the Crusades any worse than Reagan using imaginary welfare queens?’
“Interesting,” I opined. “Got any more?”
“Sure,” he nodded. “On Thursday night, I had invited a young fellow from the Harvard Smithsonian foundation at Dumbarton Oaks and his wife over for dinner and halfway through the rosewater flan and Turkish coffee, he asked me, ‘Do you think most Moslems are comfortable with Obama’s comparison of Islamic extremism with the motivations of Urban II?’ Then his wife chimed in with, ‘After all, there really wasn’t much else he could do after the appeal of Emperor Alexios Komnenos I, was there?’ Urban the Second? Emperor Alexios Komnenos? Who are these people, Tom – characters in your Star Wars movies, perhaps?”
“Essentially,” I confirmed, “although they have different names in Star Wars.”
“And as another example,” he sighed, “a gentleman in the office next door confronted me in the hall yesterday and said, ‘How about the seige of Acre in 1291? Any moral superiority over the capture of Jerusalem in 1099?’”
“Put your mind at rest,” I assured him. “The people who are badgering you with these annoying questions are merely insecure, uncreative, over-educated, neurotic, narcissistic, obsessive compulsive, Type-A Ivy League workaholic personalities. Washington DC is full of them. The sad fact is, when they were young, they all wet the bed because they liked how first it was so warm – and then it was so cold.”
“I… I… I cannot…” he stammered, “… comprehend such pathetic depravity.”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it,” I confided. “You should see what kind of monsters we graduate from American medical schools.”
“No,” he mumbled, suddenly a light shade of green, “I don’t think I would. But when these… people… continue to confront me with such questions, Tom, what should I say?”
“Tell them the following story,” I advised as he took out his iPad, invoked the keyboard and looked up at me expectantly. “Say that, once upon a time, in a bar in New York, a Green Irishman and an Orange Irishman were deep in their cups and engaged in a heated argument about the Battle of Pogmahone. The Orangeman insisted that it was there that ten thousand Catholics mercilessly slaughtered five thousand Protestant women and children, while the Green Gael shouted back that it was bollocks he was talking, for everyone knows that at the Battle of Pogmahone, it was ten thousand Protestants who mercilessly slaughtered five thousand Catholic women and children. And, just as they were about to come to blows over the matter, the bartender intervened, gently pulled them apart and said, ‘Sure now boys, no matter what happened, it was all in the name of God.’”
“So it was,” Dr. Ibn Himaar agreed with a grin. “What other explanation could there be? I think,” he added with a glance at his gold Rolex, rising to shake my hand, “that my time is expired. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I replied. “It’s always my pleasure to explain Americans to people from civilized countries.”