Saturday night, at the conclusion of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Cerise and I attended three of the after-parties, not arriving back at my home in Great Falls, Virginia until shortly after four in the morning. So we were just having breakfast in bed on Sunday afternoon when my landline phone rang. Caller ID showed it was Representative Thomas Massie, (R-Ky).
Tom: Good afternoon, Representative Massie, this is Tom Collins.
Massie: What? How did you know it was me?
Tom: I have a very good Caller ID service.
Massie: I guess so.
Tom: It’s not cheap, though.
Massie: Uh… I guess not. Is now a good time for you to talk?
Tom: Sure.
Massie: I mean, it’s okay that I’m calling you at home on Sunday, then?
Tom: No problem.
Massie: That is, I hope I’m not… interrupting anything.
Tom: Not yet. Where did you get my number?
Massie: Rand Paul gave it to me.
Tom: I must remember to thank him. What can I do for you, Representative Massie?
Massie: I’ve heard that you give… um.. free advice to people the first time they call you.
Tom: As part of my marketing strategy, yes.
Massie: Oh, that’s good, because… I mean, wow, you know? Do your regular clients really pay that kind of money just to talk to you?
Tom: They do, and you, too, will be invoiced at my usual rates the next time you call, so my first piece of advice would be, now that you know this session is free, you should start it as quickly as possible. So… how may I help you on this reasonably pleasant and sunny if somewhat chilly late April afternoon?
Massie: Well… it’s… John Boehner.
Tom: What about him?
Massie: He’s cutting off my campaign funding. In 2013 I got $46,000 to run for a second term in the House.
Tom: From whom?
Massie: Oh, the usual contributors you’d expect in Kentucky – trucking, businesses, the tobacco industry, that sort of thing.
Tom: And now?
Massie: This year, I’ve only managed to get about $1,000. And that was from the Eagle Forum PAC.
Tom: So you think Boehner is using his influence as House Speaker to cut you off?
Massie: I’m sure of it! I’m an engineer with a science background. I look at empirical evidence. If you have enough data points, you can prove something.
Tom: And you can prove what?
Massie: Well, um… nothing conclusive at the moment, but the signs are there.
Tom: Signs of what?
Massie: Signs that those who don’t go along to get along aren’t going to get as many PAC checks, that’s what.
Tom: You voted against Boehner when he ran for Speaker last January, didn’t you?
Massie: Yes, I did, and so did twenty-three other conservative Republican members of the House. And since then, none of us has received contributions from any of the PACs Boehner runs, or from any of the PACs that the House Majority Leader or the House Majority Whip run, either.
Tom: You mean Kevin McCarthy and Steve Scalise?
Massie: Yeah, them. But they deny it. Boehner denies it. The National Republican Congressional Committee denies it, too.
Tom: But you believe it?
Massie: I think it’s obvious. Look at Daniel Webster of Florida – he ran against Boehner for Speaker of the House in January, and his campaign contributions from Republican PACs went from $38,000 in 2013 to $3,000 this year.
Tom: Seems to me I’ve heard through the grapevine up there on Capitol Hill that most of those twenty-four representatives have collected as much or more money in 2015 than they did during 2013, even though there’s no election this year.
Massie: Yeah, but not from PACs. They got that money from individual contributions.
Tom: Okay, it’s more democratic – with a small “D” of course – that way, isn’t it? Not necessarily a bad thing, wouldn’t you say?
Massie: If you have to run against some Democrat with a capital “D” next year and they’re backed by some huge liberal PAC who showers money on them to take your House seat away from you, then I’d say it could be a pretty bad thing.
Tom: But your district – Kentucky’s Fourth – is a masterpiece of gerrymandering. It looks like a perching bird with an absurdly long beak wearing a little hat. It’s a perfect example of twenty-first century American political art, and it’s what – ninety percent white?
Massie: Ninety-five point eight percent white.
Tom: Split about even between urban and rural populations?
Massie: More like sixty-forty.
Tom: With a median annual income less than fifty thousand dollars?
Massie: Forty thousand one hundred and sixty.
Tom: Okay, taken together all that has to add up to a Cook Partisan Voting Index rating of at least ten.
Massie: Fifteen.
Tom: Some come on, Representative Massie, there’s no way that the Democrats are going to pump mountains of money into depriving you of your seat in Congress – they’d just be pouring in down the drain. It’s a dead cinch you could raise enough money to beat any conceivable Democratic challenger just using individual donations alone.
Massie: Okay, yeah, I guess so.
Tom: And aren’t you the one who runs all the way from his office down to the House floor every time Boehner tries to sneak a bill through on a voice vote?
Massie: The rules say there has to be a quorum of 218 representatives – but there’s this big loophole that says if it’s a voice vote, nobody has to count how many representatives are actually there! Why, there can be half a dozen representatives on the floor and if four of them yell “Aye” loud enough, the bill passes! On four votes! What kind of government is that?
Tom: The kind of government that Speakers of the House, from Frederick Augustus Muhlenberg, through Henry Clay, James Knox Polk, Nicholas Longworth, Sam Rayburn and Thomas Philip O’Neill, all the way up to John Boehner have unanimously approved, believed in and utilized with zeal and gusto. Got a special bill that does myriad special favors for your special friends? Get it to the floor for a voice vote and make sure a few representatives who owe you some favors are there to yell “Aye!” Plus, a lot of representative simply love the voice vote because there’s never any record of how they, themselves, voted on any bill passed that way; and you don’t need a PhD in political science to figure out the advantages inherent in that.
Massie: Well, maybe that’s the way of the world here in Washington, but I don’t think it’s right.
Tom: And so, whenever you hear that Boehner’s going to pull the old a voice vote stunt with a bill, you run all the way from your office down to the House floor and call for a recorded vote. That means Boehner has to suddenly produce a real live quorum – two hundred and eighteen warm bodies belonging to United States representatives, actually present in the room. And since he can’t do that, the bill in question does not, in fact, pass.
Massie. Right.
Tom: And you go back to your office to chuckle and gloat.
Massie: I do not!
Tom: Yes you do.
Massie: All right, maybe a little.
Tom: And Boehner goes back to his office to sulk, fume and plot revenge.
Massie: Well, okay, maybe a little of that, too.
Tom: No. A lot. I guarantee you.
Massie: Really?
Tom: Really.
Massie: Are you… certain?
Tom: Certain as the Washington grapevine can be, Representative Massie. Sure, you and your Tea Party buddies running around Congress obstructing progress in the name of… well, whatever it is you Tea Party folks think you’re doing… that’s a nuisance, no doubt about it. But deliberately chafing the Speaker’s butt on a constant and regular basis? That’s in an entirely different league, my friend.
Massie: Gee, really? That’s great!
Tom: Excuse me?
Massie: You’re telling me, when I run down there onto the House floor and demand a recorded vote on Boehner’s pet voice-vote bills, it irritates him a lot more than anything else I could do?
Tom: Yes. And?
Massie: Well, that’s what I want to do! I want to chafe Speaker Boehner’s butt so bad, he can’t sit down to take a dump!
Tom: You do?
Massie: Yeah!
Tom: Why?
Massie: Oh, I don’t know – I guess I like that expression he gets on his face when I screw up one of his voice votes. He looks like someone made him suck on a rancid pickle.
Tom: That’s what Boehner’s father used to make him do for punishment when little Johnny was slaving away mopping up vomit from the floor of his father’s rum-dumb bar and his father caught him making a mistake.
Massie: So I’m really getting to him, huh?
Tom: I would say so.
Massie: Fantastic! So, what else can I do to make John Boehner miserable?
Tom: Um… pardon me for asking, but how did you get along with your parents when you were a child?
Massie: Just fine.
Tom: That’s interesting. You haven’t updated your official biography at the US House of Representatives Web site lately, have you?
Massie: No.
Tom: Okay, because the last time I read it, I was struck by the fact that, according to it, at least, your life began when you entered MIT. Elsewhere, your birthplace is recored to be Huntington, West Virginia and there is an acknowledgment that you are a bona fide Kentuckian, raised in Vanceburg, but not a single word is available as to your early life or your parents. You don’t have any… ah… problems with your parents, do you?
Massie: No, absolutely not. My childhood was… very… nice.
Tom: Glad to hear it. So your affiliation with the Tea Party and the particular joy you apparently take in jerking Speaker Boehner’s chain don’t have anything to do with issues you might have regarding… authority?
Massie: Or… hostility toward your father?
Massie: No.
Tom: Or… perhaps… other issues… with… your mother?
Massie: No!
Tom: Just checking.
Massie: Why?
Tom: Because, just speaking as an impartial observer, it seems to me that there might be more… productive ways for you to interact with the Speaker of the House.
Massie: I like what I’ve heard so far, actually. Now… what other ideas can you give me to get John Boehner’s goat?
Tom: Okay, well, if you’re sure that’s what you want, I would suggest you start holding a press conference every month, where you announce to the media every single one of Boehner’s voice votes that you have stymied and also provide the reporters present with a full exposition of what each bill contained.
Massie: Why would I want to do that?
Tom: You did go to MIT didn’t you?
Massie: I sure did!
Tom: Pardon me for observing that you think like an engineer.
Massie: Thinking like an engineer is good! Why are you apologizing for saying that I think like an engineer?
Tom: Never mind. Look – it would be a good idea because Number One, it would show the world what kind of sneaky insider deals Boehner is trying to pull with his voice votes; Number Two, it would make you look like a crusading hero; Number Three, it would be huge, free publicity for you, publicity worth millions of dollars, publicity that could easily make you a national figure; and, best of all, it would rub Boehner’s nose in his shady voice vote shenanigans, right in front of God and everybody.
Massie: Oh. Yeah. Guess I should consider that. What else?
Tom: Whenever you give a press conference and mention his name, make sure you pronounce his last name so it rhymes with “loner.”
Massie: “Loner?”
Tom: Yeah, “Speaker John ‘Boner,’” got it?
Massie: Uh… why should I do that?
Tom: What did I tell you about thinking like an engineer?
Massie: Huh?
Tom: Ask your wife.
Massie: You know, it’s funny you should mention that, because being good conservatives, when my wife and I got married we were both virgins.
Tom: As expected. Go on.
Massie: So, at my bachelor party, my buddies from MIT, they got me a date with this… stripper so I would know what to do… on the wedding night and all, understand?
Tom: I’m afraid I do, yes. Then what?
Massie: Well, being good conservatives with family values, the first thing we wanted was a family, so we tried to get started on that.
Tom: Understood. And?
Massie: Nothing happened. So we went to our family doctor, but he couldn’t find anything… abnormal about us, so he referred us to a marriage counselor.
Tom: And what did the marriage counselor say?
Massie: It was like, “Mr. Massie, do you have any problems with your sex acts?” And I was like, “No, they’re fine with me.” And then he said, “Mrs. Massie, do you have any problems with your sex acts?” And she says, “Well, frankly, doctor, I can’t bring myself to swallow the stuff.”
Tom: I see. How about you send thank-you notes to all of the Democrats who said they would vote for him last January?
Massie: Thank-you notes? Why would I do that?
Tom: To let them know how grateful you are for showing the American voters that Boehner is a closet liberal.
Massie: Oh. Yeah. Right. Um… I was gonna say that, but I thought it was too obvious, you know?
Tom: Naturally. Next, I would suggest you have one of your staffers search Wikileaks for “Boehner” and compile a list of items from that. Then, you should release them, one by one, every day, on Twitter.
Massie: Dirt from Wikileaks on Twitter? Awesome! What else?
Tom: Well, you can either post this on your official House Web site, or start your own with a name like HouseSpeakerBoehner in that new dot-Sucks domain, it’s up to you, but next I’d recommend you use that Web site to post a bunch of videos with John Boehner in them.
Massie: What kind of videos?
Tom: How about you compile videos of John Boehner losing his temper?
Massie: Videos of John Boehner losing his temper? Where in the world would I get those?
Tom: CSPAN has plenty of them. They just don’t broadcast them. Have your staffers snoop around the CSPAN video staff flashing some Benjamins…
Massie: Benjamin who?
Tom: Hundred dollar bills, Congressman. You’ll get what you need.
Massie: Isn’t that illegal? What if I get caught?
Tom: Look, just tell your… most intelligent and worldly staffers… that you need these things and then leave a stack of hundred dollar bills lying around on your desk. If it disappears and you get what you want, cool. If it disappears and you don’t, raise hell with your staff about where that stack of hundred dollar bills went, and shortly afterward you will nevertheless get what you wanted, I guarantee, because without exception, every staffer of every member of Congress is, by nature, a sniveling sycophant.
Massie: What’s a sycophant?
Tom: If I were a less adroit judge of human nature, I might, at this point, withdraw my guarantee. But no, Representative Massie, I am certain I need not. Get some videos of him crying, too. He can’t control himself, you know – being ridiculed for that on the Internet by another member of Congress will make his blood boil.
Massie: Oh, that sounds… scrumptious! What else?
Tom: Copy some of his famous “Lawn Mower” videos – the ones he makes to prove what a “regular guy” he is – and overdub them with an announcer reading the juicy parts of legislation where he perverts the intent of the Constitution and hands out billion dollar favors to evil scumbags who hired K Street lobbyists to get them.
Massie: But… but… isn’t there a risk that the Democrats could use videos like that to ridicule the Republicans?
Tom: Not a chance. It hits too close to home. Take my word for it, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid would never let it happen.
Massie: Okay, anything else?
Tom: Well, granted, it’s only April, but it will be Halloween before you know it.
Massie: Uh… yeah. And what?
Tom : And John Boehner is a vain fool who uses spray-on tanning formula from the 1970’s. Damned if I know where he can still get the wretched stuff, but there you have it. And just like men who wear a toupee, he thinks he looks better and he’s fooling everyone, but in fact he’s just making a fool of himself. So – come Halloween, you sponsor a John Boehner Pumpkin Carving Contest. Offer prizes in two categories – Best Likeness of Speaker Boehner and Most Orange Complexion. If that doesn’t give him an apoplectic fit, then Santa Claus and equal justice under the law are real.
Massie: Are you saying… that equal justice under the law is a fantasy, like Santa Claus?
Tom: Oh, excuse me – I forgot – you’re a libertarian conservative Republican, aren’t you? Sorry, forget I said that.
Massie: About Santa Claus? No, I know about him – and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy too. But… equal justice under the law?
Tom: Well, Representative Massie, I guess it’s time somebody told you the things that all the grown-ups here in Washington know.
Massie: You mean, there are more?
Tom: Plenty.
Massie: Will you… tell me?
Tom: Not now, but next time.
Massie: But next time, it will cost me money!
Tom: Precisely. Goodbye, Representative Massie. Have a nice day!