Swine Flu Projected Not to Affect Most Appropriate Population

Yesterday afternoon at three, I went over to visit Williams, who is a GS-15 in the General Services Administration IT organization for the GSA Headquarters at 1800 F Street here in Washington, DC.  Ostensibly, the purpose of our meeting was to review my analysis of GSA IT enterprise architecture.
“Let’s cut to the chase,” Williams requested gruffly as he brandished a hard copy of my draft deliverable.  “Explain what it says in the Executive Summary.”
“Essentially,” I replied, “it says that although Microsoft products are, of course, components of the Federal Enterprise Architecture Technical and Service Component Reference Models, the emphasis on Microsoft’s proprietary solutions lacks appropriate cost-effectiveness.”
“And that, you say, is because…” Williams gestured, and a management contractor from an 8(a) firm opened the report to its third page and read aloud, “’Open software and systems solutions offer comparable or, in many cases, superior features and performance.  They do so without requiring continual payment of licensing fees mandated by Microsoft’s aggressive schedule of technical refreshment.  This is highly significant due to the fact that Microsoft’s requirements for technical refreshment are completely artificial, being based on a business model that is driven solely by Microsoft’s marketing department, and which implements a strategy of planned obsolescence and product design practices that intentionally defeat the fact that software does not physically wear out, as does tangible production capital such as machinery.  Consequently…’” 
Williams gestured for the 8(a) contractor to stop reading, then threw me a particularly cold, nasty stare, to which I responded, “Yes, that’s what it says.”
“Mr. Collins,” he demanded, “can you provide me with one, single reason why I should care about those points you make?”
“I can provide several.  Generally,” I explained, “the federal government does not produce wealth, it only consumes it.  Furthermore, the taxes collected to support the federal government are a finite amount of a scarce resource.  In addition, the function of the federal government is to provide Americans with services, and the more services which can be delivered for each marginal dollar expended, the better.  Finally, withdrawal of excessive amounts of monetary resources from the private sector through federal taxation can have deleterious effects on the national economy.”
“All right,” Williams sneered, “but do you know the most important difference between open systems and Microsoft?”
“Yes,” I responded, “indeed, I certainly do.  People such as yourself, who make key federal enterprise architecture decisions and, moreover, determine specific implementations of it for your agencies, realize that nobody can buy stock in open systems.  Someone, such as your spouse, your relatives, or even you, can buy stock in companies that, say, vend the Linux operating system, or build software solutions using the Java language, but it is exeedingly difficult, if not impossible, for you to ensure that those companies receive the federal contracts to build the products at your agency and thus enrich your spouse, your relative or yourself.  On the other hand, if you, your spouse or a relative own stock in Microsoft, then every time you insist on Microsoft technology for a federal government solution, your spouse, your relative or you reap a share of the profits.  That’s why, for instance,” I continued as Williams’ face froze in a hideous scowl, “GSA is migrating several perfectly good open systems Web applications from Java Enterprise Architecture to Microsoft .NET.  And, likewise, that’s why GSA is replacing all of its open systems Web application servers, like Apache TomCat, which rock, with Oracle Application Servers, which suck.  Because you guys, your relatives and your spouses can buy Oracle stock, too, but you can’t buy stock in Apache, because it’s an open-source software foundation, not a publicly-traded corporation.”
“Yeah,” Williams snarled, “so [expletive] what?”
“Well,” I averred, “in the long run, those decisions which enrich you, your spouse and your relatives by hundreds of thousands of dollars will cost the American taxpayers billions of dollars, for which they will receive nothing of value.”
“Screw the [expletive] American taxpayers!” Williams roared.  “What the [expletive] do those [expletive] know?  We’re the United States Civil Service!  Senators and congressional representatives come and go!  Presidents and vice-presidents come and go; their [expletive] cabinet members come and go!  Only we, the United States Civil Service, stay here in Washington, year after year, decade after decade, running this [expletive] country for those sweaty, ungrateful [expletive] out there in raggedy-[expletive] jerkwater towns like Dubuque, Birmingham, Albuquerque, Omaha, Indianapolis, Akron, Portland and Peoria!  We’re the United States Civil Service, God damn it all, and we can damn well do whatever we want, anytime we damn well please!”
“So, it would be safe to say,” I speculated, “that, at this particular time, you want some extensive revisions to the draft deliverable?”
“[Expletive] [expletive] [expletive] your [expletive] consultant [expletive] [expletive],” Williams shouted as he picked up the report and threw it vehemently across the room toward the wall, hitting the 8(a) contractor squarely in the face instead.  The contractor’s wheeled Aeron chair flipped over backwards from the impact, spilling her onto the floor, but Williams took no particular notice.  “You’re getting plenty of money to write this [expletive] thing, Collins, and I [expletive] expect to [expletive] read what I [expletive] want to [expletive] read in it!  That [expletive] analysis is going to say we’re doing a [expletive] great [expletive] job here at [expletive] GSA IT!  It’s going to say our [expletive] Federal Enterprise Architecture compliance is [expletive] perfect!  It’s going to say we need lots more [expletive] money, and it’s going to say [expletive] why we [expletive] need it and it’s going to say [expletive] how much!”
“How much?” I asked, as I observed the 8(a) contractor, who had by now struggled back into her seat, dabbing at several nasty paper cuts on her face.
“I’ll [expletive] know how [expletive] much when I [expletive] see it!”
“Sure,” I calmly shrugged.  “No problem.  I’ll have it ready by noon tomorrow.”  I rose and turned to leave.
“Wait a minute,” Williams growled.
“Yes?” I turned back to look at him.
“You!” Williams spat, pointing at the 8(a) contractor, who looked up at him, apprehensive, still dabbing at paper cuts.  “Get out!  Now!”
As the woman with the bleeding face scurried away, Williams’ demeanor suddenly went from uncontrolled anger to seething anxiety.  “Okay, now we’re alone.  So, what’s the lowdown on this swine flu thing?”
“Swine flu?”  I sat down again, wondering whether all that shouting had perhaps burst one of his blood vessels.
“Oh, come on, Collins,” Williams cajoled, “everybody knows you’re the smartest person inside the Beltway.”
“Which is exactly like,” I flatly stated, “being the tallest building in Baltimore.”
“Baltimore?” Williams frowned.  “We used to take the family up there to watch Orioles games.  But now we’ve got the Nationals here in Washington; and besides, the wife saw one episode of The Wire and that was all it took.  She said she never had any idea it was so dangerous there, so we haven’t been back since.  Great seafood in that Inner Harbor, though.  But [expletive] Baltimore, anyway; what about the [expletive] swine flu?  Somebody must have called you in for a consultation on the swine flu by now, Collins – who was it?”
“Well,” I admitted, “the Centers for Disease Control sent someone over to my office yesterday morning.”
“And?”  Williams’ eyebrows shot up expectantly.
“And they’re concerned that the media feeding frenzy over the story might cause social unrest,” I related.  “They’re worried that the less intelligent, essentially ignorant, pathetically gullible, functionally illiterate members of society who have nothing better to do will begin to pan…”
“How long?” Williams interrupted, his lower lip quivering with fear.  “How long do we have before it hits Washington?”
“They don’t know, exactly,” I confided.  “Estimates range from three days to a couple of weeks, depending on what measures are taken elsewhere, and, of course, on the diagnosis success rates…”
“Three days?”  Williams’ voice quavered uncertainly.  “What cures it?”
“At the moment,” I informed him, “nothing does.”
Williams’ hands began to shake visibly.  “No… no cure?”
“Well,” I clarified, “the antiviral agents oseltamavir and zanamivir, also known as Tamiflu and Relenza, were effective on certain patients in Mexico, but not all of them.  It is, apparently, helpful to administer them to victims of the current epidemic strain, but there’s no guarantee that either one, or both together, will actually cure the patient.  The primary and most important reason to administer either of them is that they reduce the contagion rate.”
“But… they help, don’t they?” Williams’ eyes lit up with that unquenchable hope which burns eternal in every human soul – that is, I suppose members of the United States Civil Service have souls, of course.  Sure they do – they’re human beings, after all, aren’t they?  But then again, so was Stalin.  Oh, well.  “I bet they help a lot,” he burbled,  “a whole lot!”
“They’re certainly better than nothing,” I agreed.
Williams leaned over, gripping the front edge of his desk. 
“So,” he pressed me urgently, “somebody could be prepared for when the swine flu epidemic hits Washington, couldn’t they?”
“As far as the lady from CDC could tell me,” I continued, “an effective vaccine for this particular strain is at least six months away.”
“But you just said they have medicine!” Williams protested.
“Those are anti-viral compounds,” I clarified, “not vaccines.  And while there is some evidence that taking them prior to viral exposure prevents infection, there’s nowhere near enough of those substances available to allow everyone in Washington, much less the entire United States, to be placed on prophylactic regimens.”
“Prophylactic?” Williams ejaculated in shock.  “How did sex get messed up with the swine flu?”
“It didn’t,” I elucidated.  “’Prophylactic’ means ‘preventative,’ that’s all.”
“Oh, all right,” Williams muttered, still obviously a bit confused.  “But will there be enough?  Enough to go around?”
“That,” I conceded, “is one of their primary concerns at the CDC right now.”
“Do you think the CDC can handle it, then?” Williams beseeched.  “Is there going to be enough medicine?”
“To answer that question,” I assured him, “we need only realize that the members of the United States Civil Service who work at the Centers for Disease Control are every bit as dedicated, knowledgeable, responsible, honest and capable as those who oversee the General Services Administration information technology infrastructure.”
Williams sank back in his chair.  “Jesus H. Christ!  We’re all going to die!  My family!  I’ve got to save my family!  My wife – she’s in the Civil Service, too, you know.  Her office is right down the hall.  Then there’s my daughter, she’s only thirteen and she already knows what to put into wired requests for proposals so they won’t violate the federal acquisition regulations.  And my boy, he’s so cute, just ten years old and he’s beating up the little kids at school, calling them ‘contractors’ and ‘taxpayers’ and spitting on them and kicking them when they’re down.  Don’t you see, Collins?  I can’t let an epidemic rob them of their futures!  In just a few short years, my wife and I are going to be writing personnel requests that describe my kids’ educations and qualifications so exactly, nobody else will be able to meet the job requirements.  And then, after we review the applications and toss everybody’s but theirs, they will start their Civil Service careers right here at the GSA with Mom and Dad!”  A thought occurred to him, at which he sat bolt upright with a look of intense determination.  “The Civil Service and their dependents have to be the first in line, right after the President, the Cabinet and Congress!”
“If there were a vaccine,” I agreed, “that’s probably how it would work.  But since there is only a limited supply of two effective anti-viral agents, I’m pretty sure the line will start with people who have been diagnosed with this particular strain of influenza.”
“You mean,” Williams inquired incredulously, “that here’s me and my wife who are real-life members of the United States Civil Service, and our darling children, too, over here – and over there is some ordinary citizen, who just happens to have caught swine flu, and they get the medicine, and we don’t, just because we aren’t sick yet?”
“Given the limited supplies,” I opined, “that’s probably how it will work.”
“[Expletive]!” Williams irately exclaimed.  “That’s totally unfair!  Not to mention that it completely goes against established federal government policy tradition.  I mean, during the Cold War, it’s not like they built those fancy fallout shelters with the three-foot-thick steel blast doors up there in the mountains for Joe and Jane Sixpack, now is it?” 
“No,” I acknowledged, “they most assuredly did not.”
“It’s ridiculous,” Williams complained.  “Society can always get more factory workers!  It can always get more farmers and plumbers and truck drivers, can’t it?  But where is America going to get another group of people like the people it has now in the United States Civil Service?”
“A very, very, good question,” I granted.
“Look, Collins,” Williams barked, “this is [expletive] serious [expletive]!  I want you to forget about that [expletive] GSA federal enterprise architecture analysis and spend the next twenty-four hours preparing a White Paper explaining why every member of the United States Civil Service has to be immediately put on those medicines you mentioned for…” he struggled slightly with the word, “prophylactic purposes, followed by all the strategies you can think of that will allow members of the United States Civil Service to get their hands on those drugs as soon as possible!”
“But my Statement of Work,” I pointed out, “specifically covers, and I quote, ‘only those activities pertaining to the preparation of the enterprise architecture analysis described herein.’  Coming up with reasons why members of the Civil Service should receive prophylactic dosages of oseltamavir and zanamivir is completely out of contract scope.”
“[Expletive] contract scope,” Williams snorted.  “Just do it, and charge as many hours as it takes.”
“But what,” I cautioned, “shall we do if the General Services Administration Inspector General finds out?”
“Are you kidding?” Williams scoffed.  “If they do, I guarantee you Collins, all they’ll be interested in is reading it.”