Bright and early this Friday morning, I received a call from United States Congressman Don Young – don’t fret if you have never heard of him, because before he distinguished himself during a candid interview on radio station KRBD this week, Don was the sole member of the House of Representatives for the state of Alaska, and his name was hardly a household word even here inside the Beltway. There are four hundred and thirty-five of those people, after all. Tom: Hello, Representative Young? Young: Yes. Is this Tom Collins? Tom: Indeed it is, sir, how can I help you this morning? Young: I… um… is it true you offer an… initial consultation… without… charge? Tom: Sure – it’s great [...]
Friday night at the Round Robin Bar, I spied Hambis Gaurospore Gamotinmanasu, First Attaché for Economic Policy at the Cypriot Embassy here in Washington DC. There’s this Mediterranean brandy, Metaxa, which is considered a bit déclassé, for the most part. The Round Robin stocks the top-of-the-line item, Metaxa Grande Fine – in the back, of course – for just such customers as Mr. Gamotinmanasu, however, and that’s what he was drinking, and a lot of it, apparently. “Ah, my friend Tom,” he beckoned, “come, sit!” He gestured at the empty bar stool to his right; the one to his left was also unoccupied, despite the bar being packed. As I sat down, I suspected his rather pronounced Mediterranean body odor might [...]
Late Friday afternoon, as I was crunching some numbers for the Federal Reserve, Gretchen politely interrupted me. “Mr. Collins,” she announced, her blonde head poked discreetly into my office between the heavy oak doors separating me from the reception area, “Khus Dihugami Dadamizo, Special International Policy Emissary of His Excellency President Hamid Karzai for the Embassy of Afghanistan to the United States of America, has just nodded out and keeled over onto the floor out here. Shall I dial 911?” “Give it a few minutes,” I suggested. “If he comes around, we’re cool – whereas if we panic and he gets carried out of here on a gurney down to the George Washington University Hospital emergency room, it’s going to [...]
Gretchen demands at least one Saturday a month off from work, and to be honest, I’m sort of glad she does. For me, this particular Saturday afternoon, as it turned out, was just myself at my home in Great Falls, Virginia, with nobody there for company but my cat, Twinkle. My girlfriend, Cerise, had decided to attend a demonstration of Venetian glass making at Glen Echo, Maryland and my accidental room mate, Veronica, was away at a beach resort in the Lesser Antilles with her latest mark, yet another K Street lobbyist. So, Twinkle purred contentedly on my lap as I relaxed in the living room in front of a crackling oak and hickory fire, about halfway through a glass of Balvenie [...]
North Korea’s Fearless Leaders’ Chicken Nephew
Earlier this afternoon, Cerise and I were lying in bed at my home in Great Falls, Virginia with all the windows open enjoying the marvelous brisk spring air and sunny weather, combined with the afterglow of a black truffle omelette, Dom Pérignon champagne blood orange mimosa and Beluga caviar brunch, with its natural consequents, when my land line telephone rang. A quick glance at the coded message on my Caller ID revealed who it was – Kim Jong Un, Glorious and Infallible Supreme Communist Dictator of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea. Kim: Tom? Tom? Is that you? Tom: Sure. How’s it going, Most Excellent and Brilliant Light of the Free and Proud North Korean People? Kim: Oh come [...]