May 092015

Usually, Austin Houston Crockett Bowie Bonham III stops by for a consultation whenever he’s here in Washington DC, but Friday afternoon, I got a telephone call from him instead. Gretchen’s voice had a distinct air of relief in it as she announced Austin’s call over the intercom, since he groped her pretty heavily during his last live appearance in her reception area outside my office. As it happened, I had a few minutes available to speak with him despite the fact that he didn’t have a formal appointment. Tom: Austin? Austin: Hi, Tom! Tom: This is quite a surprise. You don’t call me all that often. Austin: True, good buddy, but I can’t make it up to the ol’ Belly […]

Apr 272015

Saturday night, at the conclusion of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Cerise and I attended three of the after-parties, not arriving back at my home in Great Falls, Virginia until shortly after four in the morning. So we were just having breakfast in bed on Sunday afternoon when my landline phone rang. Caller ID showed it was Representative Thomas Massie, (R-Ky). Tom: Good afternoon, Representative Massie, this is Tom Collins. Massie: What? How did you know it was me? Tom: I have a very good Caller ID service. Massie: I guess so. Tom: It’s not cheap, though. Massie: Uh… I guess not. Is now a good time for you to talk? Tom: Sure. Massie: I mean, it’s okay that I’m […]

Apr 192015

Shortly after lunch yesterday, Gretchen began to receive frantic calls from the Associated American Federation of Educators, a well-known and powerful national lobby of K through 12 teachers here in Washington DC, urgently requesting a consultation as soon as possible. As it happened, the Turkish Foreign Under Secretary to the United States had to cancel – as a result of being beaned with an iron skillet during an argument with his Welsh wife about who committed the first genocide, the British or the Turks. The Turks, of course, as Kanye West and the Kardashians, as well as a somewhat lesser celebrity who goes by the name of Pope Francis are making sure everyone knows, killed a lot of Armenians a […]

Apr 092015

Today, I received a visit from Dr. Vilaremetaftia Kolodaktilo. As regular readers of this Web log will recall, Dr. Kolodaktilo was once the Principal Secondary Assistant Mattachine Attaché for High Culture at the Greek Embassy here in Washington. Those readers may also recall that was several years ago, and under a different Greek government. Like all successful diplomats, however, Dr. Kolodaktilo is a consummate survivor, and today he has assumed a new position and, I might add, a new role with the recently incumbent Greek regime. His current title, still at the Greek Embassy here in Washington, is Second Primary Under Assistant Economic Advisor to the Prime Minister, USA Station. This allowed him to remain inside the Beltway, a place […]

Apr 012015

My four o’clock consultation today was with the Right Reverend Dr. Hezekiah Torquemada Hicks, D.D., Vice President for Public Relations at the Interstate Christian Commerce Committee here in Washington DC. “Greetings, sinner!,” he bellowed as he strode into my office, “Proclaim Jesus Christ as your Savior and repent! He will forgive you, and come Resurrection Day, you shall have eternal life in Heaven with the Lord!” “Who, me?” I replied as he made himself comfortable on the couch in front of the picture window overlooking the White House. “Yes, you!” Dr. Hicks declared. “You, Tom Collins Martini, the smartest man inside the Beltway!” “Which is a lot,” I asserted, “like being the tallest building in Baltimore.” “Baltimore?” Dr. Hicks thundered. […]