My imported sports car has hands-free cell phone service, but just to be safe, I always pull off and park at the first opportunity after taking a call. And that’s exactly what I did, driving along the George Washington Memorial Parkway to my home in Great Falls, Virginia on Friday night after work. Caller ID was blocked, so I had no idea who it was as I drove into the scenic overlook at the top of the hill after the turnoff to Spout Run. Not that I ever let something like that keep me from picking up on a phone call. Tom: Hello, who’s this? Voice: Tom Collins? Tom: This is he. Voice: I need some advice about a problem [...]


Deer mating season has begun here in Washington – I almost hit one while driving down the George Washington Parkway to the office yesterday just after dawn. The frost’s not quite on the pumpkin here yet, but unquestionably, if you’re a randy young buck, this is fine weather to chase nookie through the spectacular fall colored woods. Driven to madness by gushing hormones, the poor dumb creatures are heedless to danger – not unlike human teenagers, actually. This time of year, they bound across busy highways and suburban streets, lost in the heat of the chase – or flight, as their gender dictates, and, of course, routinely fail to look both ways before doing so. Consequently, their corpses are a [...]


My very last consultation last Friday was with Rabbi Mordechi Dovid Slivovitz of Silver Spring, Maryland, recently elected President of the Modern Orthodox Rabbinical Organization National and International Council. Frankly, I’ve never seen him so upset. “Oy vey ist mir,” he wailed as he plunked his ample, ovoid frame down on the couch with an air of complete anxiety and consternation, “the worst crisis since the Doheny glatt kosher scandal has erupted, right here in Washington DC – and in Georgetown, no less!” “You are referring,” I presumed, “to the arrest of Rabbi Barry Freundel, of Congregation Kesher Israel, the most prestigious upscale Orthodox Jewish synagogue in the entire National Capital area?” “What else?” Slivovitz shrugged. “The entire Jewish community [...]


About two o’clock in the afternoon today, I was relaxing at home in Great Falls, Virginia, with my friend Cerise and my cat Twinkle. All three of us were lying naked on satin sheets in my king size extra deep memory foam mattress with the windows open, the bed vibrator set on low, Mozart on the quadrophonic stereo, and an ice bucket containing a bottle of Cristal on the nightstand. And before anybody calls PETA about me, for the record Twinkle did not get any of the Cristal, thank you, or, for that matter has my cat ever worn any clothes, not even on Halloween. She and Cerise were in dreamland, dreaming about whatever it is women and cats dream [...]


Starting on Wednesday afternoon and continuing until Gretchen managed to squeeze him in for an initial telephone consultation on Friday morning, Aloysius Mortimer Philpott-Farquhar proved to be both persistent and indefatigable. He demonstrated a great deal of character, also, in my humble opinion, by insisting on paying for it when he could have had it for free. You’ve got to hand it to a guy like that. Tom: Hello, this Tom Collins. Philpott-Farquhar: Good morning Mr. Collins. This is Aloysius Philpott-Farquhar. Tom: It’s a pleasure to speak with you, Mr. Philpott-Farquhar. How may I help you? Philpott-Farquhar: First of all, you can call me Al. Everybody does. Tom: No problem. Okay, Al, what’s up? Al: Well, first of all, I [...]

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