Apr 012015

My four o’clock consultation today was with the Right Reverend Dr. Hezekiah Torquemada Hicks, D.D., Vice President for Public Relations at the Interstate Christian Commerce Committee here in Washington DC. “Greetings, sinner!,” he bellowed as he strode into my office, “Proclaim Jesus Christ as your Savior and repent! He will forgive you, and come Resurrection Day, you shall have eternal life in Heaven with the Lord!” “Who, me?” I replied as he made himself comfortable on the couch in front of the picture window overlooking the White House. “Yes, you!” Dr. Hicks declared. “You, Tom Collins Martini, the smartest man inside the Beltway!” “Which is a lot,” I asserted, “like being the tallest building in Baltimore.” “Baltimore?” Dr. Hicks thundered. […]

Mar 252015

Yesterday afternoon, around two o’clock, shortly after the departure of a distraught and pessimistic German banker and moments before the arrival of a deliriously optimistic Greek economist, Gretchen poked her head in between the heavy oak doors that separate my office from the reception area. “Mr. Collins,” she announced with an uncertain smile, “your nephew Jason called. He sounded a little upset. He said he needs to talk to you.” “Can’t he talk to his parents?” I asked rhetorically with an avuncular groan. “He said he already has,” Gretchen replied, “He claims they’re all out of advice and suggested he call you.” “All right,” I sighed, “See if you can convince the Somalian plenipotentiary for human rights that I’m running […]

Mar 182015

Around ten o’clock this morning, Phineas “Trey” Forrest Beauregard Wanker III, senior staffer to junior Senator Thomas Bryant “Tom” Cotton of Arkansas, paid me a visit. His boss, Senator Cotton, has been here in Washington DC for about two years, and has served in the United States Senate, as the incumbent Secretary of State recently noted, for about two months. With that said, Trey acted as if he had been here about two days. His appointment was for nine, and I was busy with my genuine consultation for ten, a pro bono session with an NGO representative seeking advice on the solutions to several intractable logistics problems which had arisen consequent to the impacts of Tropical Cyclone Pam upon the […]

Mar 112015

This morning, just as I concluded a consultation about Boko Haram’s latest overtures to ISIL with a distraught Nigerian diplomat, Gretchen buzzed me on the intercom. “Mr. Collins,” she told me, “there’s this old Southern lady on Line Two. She sounds exactly like Woody Allen imitating Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire.” “Did this person give a name?” I asked. “Yes,” Gretchen answered, “she says she’s named Linsey or Linseed or something like that.” “And this person wants to speak with me?” I inquired. “Uh-huh,” Gretchen confirmed, “she seems pretty adamant about it.” “And this person,” I sought to confirm, “is haughty, arch and condescending but nevertheless obviously a pathetic bigot and a total ignoramus?” “Right,” Gretchen huffed, “she […]

Mar 032015

Calls from politicians who want to be President of the United States aren’t that unusual, but one thing I’ve noticed over the course of the last several elections is that as time goes on, I get them earlier and earlier. I mean, really, November 8, 2016 is 616 days away, and already here’s my first call – from Jeb Bush. And don’t tell me he doesn’t want to be President, because as of today, I know better. Actually, the man has essentially concluded the Presidency is his hereditary right, more or less the same way Hillary Clinton reckons that, having been married to Bill Clinton, had his child, put up with his philandering and lived with him for eight years […]