Jun 032015

Early this afternoon, Merdoso Donnato Pompino, representing the Fédération Internationale de Football Association, paid me a visit for a consultation. Obviously still on Naples time, he arrived twenty minutes late, and obviously a completely self-absorbed, if obviously aging jock, he nevertheless spent another ten trying to get Gretchen’s telephone number. What the hell, as far as I’m concerned, that’s fine with me – it’s his money – or FIFA’s anyway. “Mr. Collins,” he opened as he sprawled on the couch in front of the picture window overlooking the White House, “you have heard of FIFA’s recent… ah… legal problems, I suppose?” “Who hasn’t?” I replied. “In the middle of last week, the Swiss police arrested six FIFA executives at the […]

May 252015

Saturday evening, after dinner at Del Campo in Chinatown (which paradoxically features South American cuisine, by the way), Cerise, having been given two free tickets by a friend serendipitously connected with the show, and having subsequently promised to go as a personal favor to that individual, went with me to see The Orginalist at Arena Stage. It’s a play about Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. Yes, international readers of this Web Log, whom the Googlestats tell me are legion, strange as it may seem, here in the USA our playwrights actually devote their creative energies to works concerning judges, in this case one who parses the prose of our Constitution using an eighteenth-century dictionary in order to ensure he correctly […]

May 182015

As I have mentioned before on this Web Log, my clients need not identify themselves if they do not wish to. The only exception is if they want to obtain an initial consultation without charge, and I hardly ever deviate from that rule. That issue proved moot this morning, when “Mr. Xavier,” as called himself, presented Gretchen with manila envelope stuffed with Benjamins sufficient for an appointment and never even mentioned getting anything for free. “Mr. Collins,” he explained as he solidly placed himself in the chair directly in front of my desk, “I suppose you realize that ‘Xavier’ isn’t my real name.” “Of course not, Mr. X,” I jovially replied. “Anybody but a known terrorists who has enough cash […]

May 092015

Usually, Austin Houston Crockett Bowie Bonham III stops by for a consultation whenever he’s here in Washington DC, but Friday afternoon, I got a telephone call from him instead. Gretchen’s voice had a distinct air of relief in it as she announced Austin’s call over the intercom, since he groped her pretty heavily during his last live appearance in her reception area outside my office. As it happened, I had a few minutes available to speak with him despite the fact that he didn’t have a formal appointment. Tom: Austin? Austin: Hi, Tom! Tom: This is quite a surprise. You don’t call me all that often. Austin: True, good buddy, but I can’t make it up to the ol’ Belly […]

Apr 272015

Saturday night, at the conclusion of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Cerise and I attended three of the after-parties, not arriving back at my home in Great Falls, Virginia until shortly after four in the morning. So we were just having breakfast in bed on Sunday afternoon when my landline phone rang. Caller ID showed it was Representative Thomas Massie, (R-Ky). Tom: Good afternoon, Representative Massie, this is Tom Collins. Massie: What? How did you know it was me? Tom: I have a very good Caller ID service. Massie: I guess so. Tom: It’s not cheap, though. Massie: Uh… I guess not. Is now a good time for you to talk? Tom: Sure. Massie: I mean, it’s okay that I’m […]