Tom Collins’ World Wide Web Log

Bomb-Bomb-Bomb, Bomb-Bomb Iran

I had just arrived at the office this morning, perhaps five minutes after Gretchen opened up in preparation for an early consultation appointment, when the telephone rang.  After answering, Gretchen put her hand over the receiver and gave me a knowing look.  “It’s Mahmud Ahmadinejad,” she whispered.  “He sounds drunk.”
“Usually is when he calls me,” I shrugged.  “Put him through to my office on Line Two.”

Ahmadinejad: Tom!  Tom!  Is that you?
Tom: It certainly is, Your Excellency.  It’s been a while since we last spoke, hasn’t it?
Ahmadinejad: Over a year!
Tom: Well, I know how busy you are, being President of Iran and all…
Ahmadinejad: No [expletive]!  Tell me about it!  Between defying the minions of Satan and crushing anyone who opposes the Islamic Revolution, I barely have time to denounce infidel conspiracies anymore.  You seen Avatar yet?
Tom: Sure.
Ahmadinejad: In 3-D?
Tom: IMAX 3-D.
Ahmadinejad: Really?  I bet that was like, totally awesome!
Tom: Not half as awesome as your English, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Oh, yeah, I’ve been keeping up on my practice.  In secret, of course, as usual.  It’s really been paying off, too.  I know that if I saw Avatar with Farsi subtitles, I could definitely tell what I would be missing if I didn’t understand English.  And there’s so much going on in that story!  Speaking of which, what do you think, is James Cameron a genius or what?
Tom: Huh?  The special effects are incredible, but…
Ahmadinejad: Right, and the story is even better!
Tom: Um… you think so?
Ahmadinejad: Know so!  It’s so obviously about Iran!
Tom: Actually, to my knowledge, I don’t believe that…
Ahmadinejad: The native Pandorans - the Na’vi - they’re like, the Iranians, see?  And all those nasty military guys out to destroy the Na’vi, they’re the United States!  And was Sigourney Weaver hot or what, with her tough-girl act, chain-smoking cigarettes and all that?
Tom: Yeah, I suppose so…
Ahmadinejad: Man, I’d sure like to, you know… do it with her!  Of course, we’d have to stone her to death afterwards, but it would be so cool, anyway, huh?
Tom: Would it really be… ah, necessary… to, uh, stone her to death afterward?
Ahmadinejad: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, absolutely!  That’s the Holy Law, after all.  But that’s also the really awesome part, too, see?  Just thinking about stoning her to death afterward makes me so…
Tom: I think I get the idea, Mr. President.  And I’m sure Mr. Cameron and Ms. Weaver would be highly complimented to know how much you enjoyed watching Avatar.
Ahmadinejad: Six times!  But not in 3-D.
Tom: Oh.  Sorry to hear that.
Ahmadinejad: Yeah, I had to watch a bootleg I downloaded from the Internet off some server in Sweden.  But still… excellent movie!
Tom: You definitely have plenty of company on that opinion, Your Excellency.
Ahmadinejad: Think maybe you could get me a 3-D copy?
Tom: Well, I suppose I…
Ahmadinejad: And the glasses.  I’ll need those, too - three or four.
Tom: I’ll see what I can do, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Outstanding!  So, why I called, see, is, like they say, you’re the smartest person there, inside the Beltway…
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Ahmadinejad: Baltimore?  I’ve heard of that.  Aren’t there a lot of Jews in Baltimore?
Tom: Yes, there are.
Ahmadinejad: But nobody’s ever heard of Baltimore; only New York.  I mean, if Al-Qaida had attacked, like you say, the tallest building in Baltimore, who in the Moslem world would have even known where the hell that was?
Tom: That’s the same reason they didn’t attack Philadelphia, I guess.
Ahmadinejad: Right.
Tom: Or Cleveland.
Ahmadinejad: Where?
Tom: Your point, exactly, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: I’m good at those, yeah.  So, anyway, I knew if I called you, I’d be talking to someone who knows the score there in Washington DC about what’s happening all over the world.
Tom: Certainly; that’s a major part of my job description, Your Excellency.
Ahmadinejad: And what I want to know from you is - do you think the Israelis are going to bomb our Bushehr nuclear facility before the Russians put the fuel in it, like your John Bolton says?  That the Israelis have to bomb it before then so they won’t get radioactivity all over the place?
Tom: In response to that, Mr. President, I would strongly recommend you consider the source.  John Bolton is a cock-sure, self-righteous, stubborn, ultra-conservative militarist who’s convinced that anyone who disagrees with him on the smallest point is completely and irrevocably wrong and, moreover, deserves to die and go to Hell for it.
Ahmadinejad: I see.  Thank you.
Tom: You’re welcome, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: I understand.  He’s a fellow American and your former ambassador to the United Nations.  But come on, Tom, does that really mean you can’t say anything bad about him?
Tom: I… um, yes, I can.  His ideology doesn’t completely agree with yours.
Ahmadinejad: Okay!  All right then, in that case, I hate him and want to destroy everything he stands for.
Tom: Exactly.  And he feels the same way about you and the principles of the Iranian Revolution which you uphold.  Consequently, I suspect Mr. Bolton was engaging in what might best be described as wishful thinking.
Ahmadinejad: You mean, Bolton wants Israel to bomb our nuclear plant?
Tom: Mr. President, if Israel bombed Bushehr, John Bolton would dance a jig which would put the one Adolph Schicklgruber did at Compiegne to shame.  For starters, it would be real, not the invention of a propagandist, and what’s more, it would be much longer and completely sincere.
Ahmadinejad: Are you serious?  Bolton would dance a jig?
Tom: Well, more precisely, he’d caper up and down, madly clapping his hands in an uncontrollable fit of sadistic glee.
Ahmadinejad: He’d be very happy?
Tom: Most certainly.  Only one thing could possibly make John Bolton happier.
Ahmadinejad: And what would that be?
Tom: If, by some incredible stroke of luck, you and the Supreme Leader of Iran, the Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, were to be visiting Bushehr at the exact moment it was blown to smithereens.
Ahmadinejad: Really?  And what would John Bolton do then?
Tom: It’s hard to say exactly, but it’s a safe bet Mr. Bolton would need to change his underwear shortly thereafter.
Ahmadinejad: How about your President Obama?
Tom: Oh, yes, if the Israelis bomb Bushehr, he will need a change of underwear, too, but for entirely different reasons.
Ahmadinejad: So, you think Obama doesn’t want war with Iran?
Tom: I’m sure he doesn’t.
Ahmadinejad: Because he is a secret Moslem?
Tom: No.
Ahmadinejad: Then why?
Tom: Because America can’t afford it.
Ahmadinejad: You mean, if America had the money, it would be glad to blow up Bushehr, invade Iran, install a puppet government and hang me and Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei?
Tom: In a New York minute.
Ahmadinejad: Right, okay then, see?  Just like in the movie!  The only difference is Iran has oil instead of unobtanium!
Tom: Plus, of course, Iranians aren’t anywhere near as adorable as the Na’vi.
Ahmadinejad: Maybe so, but we’re sure one [expletive] of a lot more adorable than the Israelis!
Tom: Yeah, but on the other hand, that’s not saying very much.  You Iranians ought to shoot for being as adorable as the Tibetans, for instance…
Ahmadinejad: The Tibetans live in a world that’s a [expletive] thousand years ago!
Tom: And your point is?
Ahmadinejad: Ah… um… that is… all right, I give up.  I don’t have one.  But can’t you suggest somebody else anyway, please?
Tom: Okay, the Finns.  They’re modern and they’re adorable, too.  Shoot for that.
Ahmadinejad: Are you kidding?  The Finns all have cell phones!  Do you have any idea what the Grand Ayatollah thinks of cell phones after that Twitter business back during the last election?
Tom: How about the Canadians?
Ahmadinejad: Hey, wait a minute!  Since when are Canadians adorable?
Tom: James Cameron is a Canadian.
Ahmadinejad: Really?  I didn’t know that.  Okay; as adorable as the Canadians then, at the very least.  It’s for electricity and research, you know, that’s all.
Tom: What, the nuclear reactor?
Ahmadinejad: Yeah.  Like they say, “A little nukie never hurt anybody.”
Tom: Well, Your Excellency, it just seems that many people outside Iran find it a bit difficult to believe that when you finally manage to refine some high-grade uranium or manufacture some plutonium, you won’t be tempted to construct nuclear weapons with it and then… oh, I don’t know…. let’s say, blow up Tel Aviv, for instance.
Ahmadinejad: But why is that?  The Russians, the English, the French, the Pakistanis, the Indians and the Chinese all have nuclear weapons, but none of them have blown up Tel Aviv, have they?  So why should anyone think the Iranians would do it?
Tom: I guess it must be the rhetoric, Mr. President.  It always sounds like you folks want to trump up bogus reasons to pick fights, invade other countries, require them to adopt your cultural values and force your political system down their throats.
Ahmadinejad: Oh, like you Americans did with Iraq?
Tom: Um, okay, yeah - like we did with Iraq.
Ahmadinejad: And the difference is?
Tom: The difference is, we already have nuclear weapons, and, what’s more, we’ve already used them to blow up a couple of cities in Japan.
Ahmadinejad: And therefore?
Tom: Therefore, we know what it feels like to live with the terrible moral consequences of having done that, and we want to spare you from having to experience them.
Ahmadinejad: Gee, it never occurred to me how thoughtful you Americans were being about all this.
Tom: Great!  So, now that you do realize that, are you going to call off Iran’s nuclear program?
Ahmadinejad: No, but as soon as we power up the Bushehr reactor, I’ll make a point of sending your President Obama a nice fruit basket.
Tom: Um, given the current political situation here in the United States, I don’t think sending him a fruit basket would be such a good idea.
Ahmadinejad: Flower basket?
Tom: No, I…
Ahmadinejad: Cupcake basket?
Tom: Actually, come to think of it, do you suppose you could manage to be a little bit more belligerent, nasty, aggressive and mean?
Ahmadinejad: What, forever?
Tom: Not really; no sense wearing yourself out, Your Excellency.  Just start laying it on thick and keep it up until the first Wednesday in November.
Ahmadinejad: Sure, Tom, no problem.  But what’s so special about the first Wednesday in November, anyway?
Tom: It’s the day after the first Tuesday.
Ahmadinejad: Hmmm.  Okay, whatever.  No problem.  Gotta go now, or I’ll be late for dinner and a beheading.
Tom: Nice talking to you, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Same here, Tom.  Don’t forget that Avatar movie!
Tom: Which format?
Ahmadinejad: Blu-ray.  Collector’s Edition.  In 3-D!  Remember, I need the glasses, too!  Extra pairs!
Tom: Right.  Goodbye, Your Excellency.
Ahmadinejad: Thanks, Tom!

August 20th, 2010

Charlie Livingston Albatross

Wednesday morning, I received a visit from Liermann, a Democratic strategist.  Refusing coffee or tea, he sat there in my office, glumly popping antacid tablets, clearly beside himself.
“Tom,” he whined, “the Democrats are about in the absolute worst situation for a mid-term election a person could possibly imagine.  Not only is the economy still in the doldrums, it looks like by November, the country’s going to be starting down the second roller-coaster slide of a double-dip recession.  We’re about to declare victory and leave Iraq, but it’s pretty clear that when we do, the whole place is going straight down the toilet and everybody in the world will blame the Democrats for it.  What’s more, things couldn’t be much worse in Afghanistan, either - the Pentagon says that the latest evidence from our campaign to win the Afghanis’ hearts and minds indicates that we should have been going after their left ears instead.  The latest public opinion polls show that as of Monday, more Americans believe in ghosts than believe Barack Obama was born in the United States.  Our hand-picked, ideologically pure candidates for targeted Republican-controlled offices - and plenty of our incumbents, too, God damn it - are getting waxed in primary elections all over the country by Democrats who make Andrew Jackson look like George McGovern!  Now, on top of all that, Charlie Rangel, the quintessential symbol of East Coast, liberal, special-interest, big-city Democratic machine politics - someone who has been an incumbent over forty years, no less - not only gets accused of corruption and abuse of his congressional powers, and not only is obviously guilty, but also refuses to resign!  And yesterday, as I am sure you know, during a special session of Congress which Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid convened to address some truly important legislative matters, including appropriation of urgently needed funds for teachers, police and fire fighters,  Rangel invoked a point of privilege so he could stand up in the middle of all that and do nothing more important than shoot his mouth off!  He soaked up over half an hour of CSPAN camera time attacking what he says is a conspiracy; drawing analogies between the various settlement deals the Ethics Committee has offered him and an innocent man forced to cop a plea because the judge in the case has a reputation for harsh and unfair sentences; complaining about his legal fees; offering lame excuses for his misconduct; and arguing his side of the case in public.  After which, he dares Congress to remove him from office!  But was that aggravating enough?  Was that sufficiently disrespectful?  Did that do enough damage to the Democratic Party?  No!  Tonight, he’s attending a big, public, in-your-face birthday party bash at the Plaza Hotel in New York - and guess what?  His real birthday was in June!”
“All of which,” I presumed, “is why you’re here?”
“Exactly,” Liermann spat.  “How the hell do we keep this fat, egotistical, corrupt, lying, thieving, useless, braying windbag from screwing the Democratic Party in November?”
“If,” I pointed out, “you had come to me earlier, we could explore various options to conduct Rangel’s trial and get him out of the news well in advance of the November elections.  We might even have been able to keep him from being a factor in the Democratic primaries.”
“Water under the bridge,” Liermann sighed.  “We thought we could work out a deal Rangel would accept by ourselves.  But he turned out to be completely unreasonable.  Out of touch with reality, in fact.  Rangel thinks the [expletive] world revolves around him.  He expects everybody to hand him anything he wants on a silver platter, for Christ’s sake.  The man’s living in a total fantasy world of his own invention!”
“In other words,” I observed, “he’s a typical member of Congress who’s been here more than ten years.”
At that, Liermann shook an extra antacid tablet onto the pile  in his palm, popped the entire stack, then chewed on them for about a minute.  “I suppose so,” he finally agreed.  “At least it’s not just the Democrats.”
“No,” I concurred, “the Republicans are worse.  In addition to behaving like that, they generally think they’re specially favored by the Almighty, too.”
“Well,” Liermann opined, “I certainly wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Charlie Rangel thinks he hears the Voice of God on a regular basis.”
“Charlie Rangel,” I corrected, “thinks God takes his advice.  Spending four decades in the United States Congress has convinced better men than him that the Good Lord needs their input on the various issues affecting their states or districts, especially with respect to military bases, water projects and highway construction.”
“Okay,” Liermann sighed, “say we stipulate that Rangel’s a few bricks short of a full load.  So what?”
“So, on the one hand,” I replied, “that’s a problem, as his recent behavior amply demonstrates.  But on the other, as we both know, every problem is an opportunity.”
Liermann leaned forward, betraying sudden, intense interest.  “An opportunity for what?”
“Well,” I explained, “up until now, the Democrats have been insisting that Rangel save the Party the embarrassment of a trial by cutting a deal with the Ethics Committee and resigning.  But there’s no way he’s going to do that, because if he did, he’d just be a big has-been, a complete nobody.  If, however, the Democrats were to offer Rangel a position in the administration…”
“That [expletive] clown?” Liermann interjected. 
“…somewhere he could feel important and powerful and still have people continue kissing up to him all the time…”
“Can you imagine how insufferable he’d be?” Liermann asked, aghast.
“…doing something basically harmless, but with the trappings of grandeur, prestige and power…”
“Like what?” Liermann demanded.
“Well,” I mused, “Rangel’s big on education issues, isn’t he?  After all, one of the charges against him has to do with questionable solicitation of funds for the Charles B. Rangel Center for Public Service at the City College of New York, doesn’t it?  How about President Obama offers him a post as Special Ambassador at Large for Education?  That would keep him out of the country most of the time, and Secretary Clinton could arrange for him to receive a bunch of honorary degrees from prestigious universities, which should be plenty of lollipops for the big baby.” 
“I can see that,” Liermann nodded.  “Okay, I’ll run it past the Party’s congressional liaisons at the White House.  Now, what about Maxine Waters?”
“Offer an ambassadorship in return for her resignation, too,” I suggested.
“Okay,” Liermann said, stroking his chin in thought.  “She’s big on human rights issues.  How about we make her International Ambassador for Human Rights?”
“Nah, human rights has way too much potential for trouble,” I advised.  “Make that Worldwide Ambassador for Animal Rights instead.  Her first assignment can be an extended fact-finding mission to the Ngorongoro Crater.  Lots of wildlife issues there, you know.”
Liermann smiled broadly for a moment, but just as abruptly, it subsided as a cloud of doubt crossed his mind.  “Is there sufficient funding in the State Department budget for both of those egomaniacs and their respective parasitic entourages of obsequious hangers-on, useless relatives,  pathetic wannabes and simpering sycophants?  You must realize that neither Rangel or Waters will be happy without those.”
“Who,” I inquired with a knowing wink, “currently controls the House Appropriations Committee?”
“Right,” Liermann grinned, “the Democrats.”
“And,” I noted, “if you play this right, they’ll be in control of it after November, too.”

August 14th, 2010